Snippets and Tangents

Pass the Diabetes Please

2012-01-27T15:14:00.000-08:00

The tragedy, in my mind, of myfirst pregnancy was gestational diabetes (GD). This is a pretty commonpregnancy complication that can usually be kept under control with diet and exercisealthough, some women do have to test their blood sugar and take insulin shots.Mine was very mild but required a very strict diet.

I felt robbed. I was pregnant andlooking forward to sending my husband out for junk food at the whims of mycravings. I was going to eat without thinking and enjoy every fattening minute.

When I found out I was pregnant forthe second time, I began preparing for my diagnosis of GD by eating everythingput in front of me, or in front of someone I knew, or in front of someone in myline of sight. I lamented my pending fate to friends and family. Sympatheticwomen began to pray for me and I began to pray for myself, that diabetes wouldn’tbe a factor in this pregnancy. Now it’s not and I have the thighs to prove it.

I am 27 weeks along in my secondpregnancy and weigh the same amount I weighed when I gave birth to my son.Guess who doesn’t have GD this pregnancy! This chick (my thumbs pointing at me). A couple of things have gone awry. I wasconvinced that since I had diabetes with my last pregnancy, I would likely haveit with this one as well. I threw myself a gluttonous pity party that lastedfor weeks (put a month or two on it) once I found out I was pregnant. The planwas to get all strict once I was actually confirmed to have diabetes. But untilthen, it was a free for all smorgasbord.

Apparently, I need the threat ofpregnancy complications hanging over my head to muster a modicum ofself-control when it comes to food while pregnant. One of the most sufficiently motivating complicationsthat can be caused by GD is a large baby. I don’t think I need to explain whythis bit of information has motivating qualities. As it is, my prayers were answered and this pregnancyis so far, a very healthy one and I am very grateful. You might even say I am very jolly. Scratchthat. You may think that I am ‘jolly,’ but for your own safety, don’t say it.That isn’t a threat; it’s an honest warning from a hormonal hungry girl who hasshaky self-control.

Now, if only I can keep myself and any one I come in contactwith, away from chips!

Check out my website at: www.toddlespots.com

The Day the High Chair Died

2012-01-26T20:37:00.000-08:00

It wasa Monday morning much like any other. I carried my Riley downstairs still inpjs. He is saying and frantically signing ‘more’ lest I forget the first orderof business when we get downstairs, food. Nothing seemed unusual to me as weaimed for the kitchen. A small cup of coffee was left to warm for me in the potby my loving hubby before he headed off to work. He knows that being pregnant Iam trying to limit my caffeine intake, but cold turkey isn’t an option.

Then Iproceeded to try and decipher the breakfast wishes of my son in my besttoddlerees. It was concluded that awaffle would more likely be eaten then chucked to the dog, so we went with wafflesfor breakfast. There was a little disagreement about whether the waffle neededto be toasted but ultimately it was confirmed that waffles are better warm. It wasthen that I would find out that life as I knew it in our home had taken anunexpected turn.

Just asI had done the morning before and many mornings previous, I told my Riley thatit was time to get in his chair. This is normally met by running to the chairand waiting for help to get in. Today, no. Today my request was met by screeching and head shaking. I thought maybewe were misunderstanding each other. I picked him up and proceeded to put himin his high chair. This was met by a surprisingly strong back arching ability,eye closing, head thrashing, and more screeching. I set him down. I asked if hewanted his waffle. His response seemedaffirmative. I said it was time to get into his chair. Next thing I knew he hadthrown himself from a standing position onto the floor screeching and still archinghis back even though I wasn’t even touching him. It became clear to me thatsomewhere in the course of the night he and the high chair had a falling out.

In thefog of Monday morning and in desperation for my coffee I may have made a rookiemom mistake. I took my coffee and sat in my usual spot at the table, put Riley’sbreakfast plate in front of me and hoisted him onto my lap. He happily ate hisbreakfast and I enjoyed my coffee. I think he has now found a more preferablehigh chair.

Lunchrolled around and the morning high chair fiasco was nearly forgotten, by me. Therequest to go into the high chair preceded a stomping screeching combo. It wasthen that I realized that whatever happened between Riley and the chair was yetto be resolved. When dinner was met with the same fate, I knew the high chairwas dead to him. It was my Tuesdaymorning wish that Riley and the chair would have cooled off and breakfast couldgo back to normal. No such luck.

I am up for suggestions that don’t involve me eating withone hand and half a lap.

Check out my website at: www.toddlespots.com

He Toddles Now

2011-09-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

No turning back. My little man toddles away from me clearly following and quite impressed by his own shadow. It isn't until his tiny feet catch on each other and he is landed on his bum, that he even looks back for me. I usually am right behind him but this time I am curious to see how far he will go without me, a long way apparently. When he looks back with his hand lifted for help, he is clearly shocked by the distance between us. You can almost see the wheels turning behind his baby blues as he breaks into a little smile. He is impressed by his own ability. Once he is down he can't get back up without something to pull up on, but he can go a long way all on his own. This discovery prompted a lot of walking today. I took him to the pool and did he swim? No. He walked around it and around it and around it, testing the power behind those chubby little thighs. He often walks with his hands raised above his head for balance but even those arms are getting lower and lower as he gets more stable.

What happened to that squishy little blob boy I used to cuddle and kiss? He is looking decidedly more and more kid than baby. Now he kisses and cuddles back. He is generous with the kisses and it is heart meltingly sweet but I do miss my baby. But what can I do, he loves growing up? As much as I am excited to see what he will do next I wish he would slow down.

Check out my website at: www.toddlespots.com

Focus Found

2011-08-18T16:41:00.000-07:00

My tiny baby is a year old. He is trying desperately to be a big boy. His face lights up when he sees bigger kids. He yells to them and waves to them. He apparently has his Father's out going ways rather than his mother's shyer ones. He attracts people to himself and tiers of being in the house for to long. He longs for the outdoors, even if it is no further than our front porch. It is his longing for fun and adventure that has inspired in me some focus as a writer.
We have started a website called www.toddlespots.com. It is kind of a family project but I am the man power or rather the woman power behind it. This website is about adventuring with a toddler, the wheres and hows.
I am no expert on toddlerhood but I am documenting what is working for me while I am out and about. This is my greatest adventure yet and when I have a successful toddler outing, I may feel just as pleased as I would feel scaling Everest. Well maybe not that good, but pretty pleased. Check out the site and if you are a toddler family, have fun!

Missing My Newborn

2011-03-08T14:05:00.000-08:00

This weekend a couple that my husband and I have been friends with for a long time gave birth to their fist child.

We were with them on Saturday. We spent the whole day wandering around downtown Santa Cruz. We have been to Santa Cruz with them a number of times, but this time we were drawn to every baby boutique. They got to witness amateur parent hour as hubby and I tried to manage our little man in a restaurant. At six and a half months old he is presenting new challenges!

The very prego mommy and I talked baby, especially delivery, most of the time. I haven't been able to hear her labor story yet, but she went into labor that night. I wonder if it was all the walking around and spicy salsa for lunch?

Hubby had teased her earlier in the day saying that she would go into labor in a few hours. This was laughed off since she was still a few days from due. When we left them that day I had the fleeting thought that it may be my last time seeing her pregnant.

We were both shocked and excited to find that she went into labor and had a baby girl the next day. That sentence makes it sound so simple. From the few text messages that I received through out the process it was not SO simple. Although, now it hardly matters. They are with their precious baby and the hard work was well worth it.

I could finally turn my computer off once they posted a picture of her sweet little face. The computer was then turned back on so I could look at every single one of Riley's newborn pictures. I replayed my own labor story in my mind and cried over my own infant who is now technically closer to being a year old then being a newborn. (I still cry a lot. It takes those hormones a year to get back to normal, right?)

I miss my tiny baby. He is still so small and cuddly, but he is so interested in being big. He is getting there so quickly. I wish he would slow down.

I can't wait to meet their little one. I hope they take lots of pictures and enjoy every moment, even the hard ones that make you wish they were past that stage. They will pass those stages and leave you wishing for a little more time.

Riley has yet to sleep through the night, and every night I pray he will. Maybe tonight I will try to enjoy our middle of the night time when all he wants is his mommy. I just might miss this one day, hard to imagine right now, but anything is possible!

On the Road Again

2011-03-06T20:09:00.000-08:00

(Actually written Feb.17 but I forgot to publish it...Can you tell I was trying to get a FAMILY ready for a road trip?):

We are getting ready for our trip to Idaho to visit my family.
When I tell you that we are driving from the Bay Area, are you a little afraid for me? (Honestly, my eye just twitched a little as I wrote that sentence.)

My husband and I love road trips. We have driven across the country and back and gone on countless other driving excursions. Things are a little different now. We have a six month old. Need I say more? Some may be thinking why not fly? We are cheap. Also, the way the car is filling up with stuff, I don't even know how I would pack for a plane trip. Another also, we like to travel with Rio, and that is easier done by car.

Somethings I love about a road trip:
All laundry/chores get done before (I don't like coming home to a mess)
No grocery shopping (we try to eat everything out of the fridge before we go)
The anticipation of junk food along the way (we don't usually keep junk in the house)
Hours of reading
Hours of writing
Singing
Junk food
Hours of chatting
Holding hands
Junk food
Hours of sleeping
Old pit stops
New pit stops
And junk food

Somethings I don't love about road trips:
Traffic
Odd smells
Hours of questionable hygiene
The road condition channel on the radio
Tummy disagreeing with the junk food
Saying good-bye when it's time to head home (our road trips often end up at the home of missed loved ones)

As you can see, the good out weighs the bad. So we will continue to road trip. I hope Riley is up for the ride.

Check out my website at: www.toddlespots.com

First Time Sick

2011-01-29T14:14:00.000-08:00

I am writing this post one handed. In my other arm is my sleeping baby. He caught a nasty virus shared with our household on behalf of his father via several sick first grade students. This has prompted the cleaning of many an outfit, sheet, blanket, and towel. The carpet and apolstery have all seen some extra scrubbing this week as well.

Mostly this week has been about comforting my little man as he lives his first experience with the world not being as it should. He moans in my arms not enjoying the things that generally make him smile. Today is my fifth day of caring for him in this way.

The first day was spent with my mind on all I should be doing but unable to because Riley has me pinned to the couch. Now, as much as want him to feel better, and I desperately want him to feel better; I am enjoying his snuggles.

As I said, this world is truly not as it should be. Today I was on my way to the memorial service of a former co-worker who lost her battle with cancer. My son needed me when I was about to leave. I was unable to go but I hold my child a little tighter knowing this time isn't permanent. This precious time with the ones I love can be gone in a second.

She was a sweet spirited teacher. Her lesson to me today is love. Don't miss a chance to love.

Go Go Gadget Christmas

2010-12-29T19:07:00.000-08:00

I'm having a Merry Christmas! I must have been very good girl this year.

Apparently I was a good girl this year, a very good girl. I was such a good girl that Santa went back to my childhood to grant a wish from back then.

When I was a little girl I loved to watch Inspector Gadget. It wasn't enough just to watch I also needed to play it, act it out. I was Penny of course. I possessed the best gadget and was the brains behind the operation. I solved the many mysteries that plagued my backyard, pretend electronic book in hand.

As a kid, I could never imagine that this could one day be a possibility. I have had a desktop computer and a laptop, both very useful. But today I have a book. A real book that is electronic and awesome. I don't know if I will be solving any great mysteries with it. In fact I am pretty sure I won't since it is a mystery itself. I am enjoying learning how to use it.
This blog post is being typed on my iPad.

Hubby and I agreed to a very limiting price limit for our gifts this year. I admit that I splurged the limit, a little. Hubs blew the limit out of the water.

I guess you can't stop Santa and an unexpected christmas bonus that Hubby failed to mention.

Oh, and it fits perfectly into my diaper bag. Did you think of that too, Penny?!?!

Theme music please:

duh duh duh duh duh inspector gadget.....

Mother Goose….. And More

2010-10-22T10:58:00.001-07:00

I am new to the stay at home mom game but I am learning. I saw mothers (and some fathers) flocking to the library on Friday mornings. It occurred to me that perhaps there was some parent friendly shindig a foot. A quick internet check confirmed my suspicions. Mother Goose and More. The next Friday I joined the drove. I will tell you right now I was not prepared for this experience. I arrived a little later than I had anticipated thanks to a little miscommunication between me and my son. Namely, no pooping right before we are walking out the door. He hopefully is in the know now about this fopau. This nearly caused me not to make it to the library that morning at all.

Alas, I pushed my stroller into the lobby and looked around. There was nary a stroller in sight, not like the crowd I had witnessed before. This prompted me to approach the costumer service desk. The man behind the desk was busily typing away. I know how it is when you are trying to type and are interrupted. One looses their train of thought and that is annoying. I waited a little longer and then I noticed him break and get back to typing. Now I didn’t want to derail his train but once it got to the next station, I expected some attention. Although I already knew I was standing under a sign that said ‘customer service,’ I took a step back to look at it while ever so slightly clearing my throat. This was to gently let him know that we both knew where I was standing. When he got the next pause he acknowledged me.

His eyes were slightly glossed over and when I asked about the Mother Goose and More time, he pointed me in the right direction. As walked down the hall to the children’s section, the noise level increased and when I turned the corner I was in a stroller parking lot. It is then that things started happening fast and I realized and sympathized with the glossed over appearance of the librarian. His ‘quiet please’ nerves were likely frayed.

I was shuffled to the wall by what can only be described as the stroller parking attendant. I parked my stroller alongside the many others and got in the massive line of parents and babies waiting to enter a large room. Little Man seemed to look at me as if to ask why we had gotten here so late as to be at the end of this massive line. Other parents, professionals, seemed to look at me as if to say, amateur, look how late she got here. I want to counter their looks with, ‘but he pooped as we were walking out the door.’ To this they would scoff, ‘don’t tell me about poop, tell me about a simultaneous poop and spit up fest requiring a full wardrobe change and we were still on time.’ Their hair is wet like they just jumped out of the shower, but they are there. To this I shake my head in shame and Little Man looks towards the wall.

I am standing next to a sweet looking blonde mom and her daughter. She makes small talk as we wait. She is on my side because standing behind her means she won’t be the last person in line any longer. We could be friends.
We are soon ushered in to the room we are waiting to get into. The ‘bouncer’ is directing us to place our diaper bags on the table and handing out egg shakers and scarves. When she gets to me I put my hand out to take the egg shaker. She shakes her head. He is probably too young for the shaker, you can have the scarf. I will not argue. I have realized my limitations too many times already today. If we are giving off some kind of indication that the shaker is beyond us, who am I to disagree. I find a seat on the ground near the friendly blonde. We start to chat baby. I have found that having a baby gives you an in with anyone else who also has a baby.

Soon a woman walks out with a headset microphone on. Very Janet Jackson. She approaches the front and asks for quite, no flash photography, participation, and no pacifiers. A hush falls over the crowd. Her serious face breaks into a grin and her voice shoots up three octaves. She asks if we know who is here today. I don’t know but the air is thick with anticipation. Then, from out of nowhere, a giant white goose puppet appears on her arm. Mother Goose! I should have guessed. The crowd goes wild. I couple of songs and rhymes go down with the goose. Then she asks if we know who else is here. I really have no idea. Another puppet appears and more singing and rhyming, even some killer dance moves. Oh yes, it might be the mother goose that brings them in, but it’s the ‘and more’ that keeps them thirsty.

After this experience I head for my stroller. It just so happens that the blonde I met earlier and I are parked alongside each other. We check out each other’s wheels and exchange numbers. When you get a girl’s number, how long do you wait to call? Is it bad to be the first to call? Anyway, I look forward to trying this out again. I’m hooked on the goose.

Check out my website at: www.toddlespots.com

Your Welcome Neighborhood

2010-10-08T08:08:00.000-07:00

I took Rio outside. His whining and pawing at the door made it very clear that he needed to get out in a bad way. Judging by his frantic behavior inside the house one would think that he is on the verge of exploding and will barley make it down the stairs before his hind quarters betray him. This is not the case. As soon as his little black nose is touched by the outdoor air he is overwhelmed by calm. He feels free to roam leisurely looking for just the right spot to unload. He sniffs the air and ground circling back to check scents again. It appears a labor of love. When he finds the perfect grassy spot, he assumes the position and looks up at me with satisfaction, a near smile.

Being aware of my neighbors and the law, I get my bag ready and step into the grass and retrieve my doggy's prize. I wonder how ridiculous this looks to Rio. After searching long and hard for just the right spot, I move it to a garbage can. Is he frustrated by this, confused? We head back inside and I wash my hands. Although I am quite sure that nothing has touched me, the thought that I was only protected by a thin piece of plastic moves me quickly to soap and water.

I pour my coffee and leave it on the counter while I go to the bedroom to grab a sweater. I go back to the kitchen to retrieve my cup and venture to the couch to take a few precious moments for myself. It is then that I smell it, a foul yet familiar smell. A smell that triggers my gag reflex nearly causing my breakfast to exit.

I suppose that when I stepped into the grass to remove Rio's business on behalf of the neighbors and, well, the law, I also retrieved another dog's business inadvertently. I wonder how Rio felt that I threw his prize in the can and brought the other dog's into the house and I paraded it across the carpet and onto my newly mopped kitchen floor and down the hall and into my bedroom.

There isn't a floor in my house not marred by the mess. When I discovered that I was the cause of this smell and my shoe bottom was caked and streaked up the side, my blood pressure elevated dangerously high, so much for the coffee and a moment to myself. No, now my morning was quite literally marked. Marked by me cleaning from my floors; the very thing that should never come inside; the very thing that I pick up while only being protected by a mere thin piece of plastic.
Thank you neighbor.

Mom, of The Stay at Home Variety

2010-09-27T08:08:00.000-07:00

Today starts my first day as a stay at home mom. I am very fortunate to have had my mom stay with me for the first 3 weeks of my son's life and my husband for the next 3weeks. They were able to spend quality time with the little man and I had all the support I needed to get well and enjoy my new born baby. Today marks the beginning of baby and mommy.

I was so fortunate to have them around to help me. This point became very clear as I arrived at my doctor's appointment today. I arrived early to make sure that I didn't feel hurried. This was my first solo errand, baby in tow. My amature disposition became abundantly obvious as I tried to get the stroller open. See I did arrive early, very early. I smirked at myself looking at the clock as I pulled into my highly coveted parking spot. I was SO early. The wisdom of my punctuality became so clear to me as my stroller defied all reasonable unfolding efforts.

I flashed back to the day I chose the stroller at Babies R Us. I specifically remember thinking how light it was and how EASY it was to open. No more. My husband and mom never required me to handle the likes of a stroller while recovering. Crippled now by kindness, cars who would have loved the parking spot that I then possessed are stopping to see if I plan on using the spot for more than an exercise in stroller humiliation. Panic starts to set in as sweat starts on my forehead. I am not too proud to admit a tear came to my eye. I began to think I am not cut out for this. I have been humbled, leveled by the might of a baby pusher.

It is then that I see a little latch. A little chameleon latch blending into the stroller jungle. Why, why is it not red or yellow or labeled? Why isn't it screaming, "new mom who has never ventured into the world alone or had to lift a finger to open your own stroller, here I am. I am the latch that will release you. Call me freedom latch."? No. It mocks me hiding behind it's ever so matching color. Alas, I found this latch. I made it to the doctor and didn't fail on my first day as mom all by myself. Phew!

Check out my website at: www.toddlespots.com

Bursting with Life

2010-09-21T16:33:00.000-07:00

Looking at my blog it might be thought that life here paused. It surely did not. Life grew. My husband and I are bursting with life. New life. Precious life. Life hasn't paused. Our baby boy is here. He is 5 weeks old and full of life and consequently our lives are fuller than ever. What is your life full of, you might ask?....Bodily functions.
Yes, that is correct. My days and nights are consumed with the many processes of the human body. The processes of living at it's most basic. Eating, sleeping, eliminating, hygiene, seeking out companionship, communicating. In someways it should seem very easy to care for this little one. He is a bundle of these most basic needs. It is not easy. In order to meet his needs I have had to put my needs off at times. In fact I hear him beginning to stir now and must put this away till later......
After many hours of attending his needs I have found a moment to return to reflecting on him. As I was saying, I put my own needs off to care for his. His are so much more vital because he is helpless to meet any on his own.
My son grunts. He grunts a lot. It is as though he is trying to get something done, trying hard. He often cries in what looks like frustration after a grunt session. He wasn't able to accomplish whatever he had in his mind to do.
Soon baby boy. Soon you will be able to accomplish your goals but for now lean on me. Mommy will help you. Mommy is here.
So what is our life full of besides the functions of his little body? A love we have never known. An immediate, binding, unmatched love.

Whatever It Is

2010-03-13T08:13:00.000-08:00

Ry took me to a concert this week to see one of my favorite bands who just happened to be playing at our Alma Marter, SJSU. When we started at SJSU we had been married just a couple of months; so concert night also became a walk down memory lane. We recalled late night homework sessions, proffesors who are etched into our memory for good or bad, the tiny apartment that we lived so happily in, and the tears and laughs we shared trying to figure out what being a grown-up really means. We were learning a lot more than academics.
Our life together was just getting started all those years ago and now we were back on campus with a little one on the way. We have been married over 7 years. We are still laughing together and there are a few tears now and then. As far as having things figured out, the more I learn the more I discover how much I have to learn.
We had a great time at the concert. It is so good to hang out with a person who thinks that I've got 'whatever it is.' I am so happy to share my life with him and we are both so excited to meet this new little life.
Thank you babe for a wonderful evening!

Last Day

2010-02-02T12:23:00.001-08:00

Today is the last day of my 1st trimester and that's not teacher talk. Tomorrow I start my 2nd. Second trimester comes with a lot of promises. Promises I am looking forward to. Nothing is garunteed, but here are some things that could happen in the next 3 months:
Burst of energy
Goodbye nausea
Looking pregnant to people besides myself
Hearing the heartbeat
New pregnancy wardrobe
Feeling our baby move
Oppurtunity to know the sex (not that I'm going to!)
This is an exciting time and tomorrow is a milemarker on our way to parenthood.

Well Hello In There!

2010-01-08T17:40:00.000-08:00

Today Ryan and I got to see something amazing. We saw our baby for the first time. He/she was squirming all around. The best part was seeing the heartbeat. When we walked out, Ryan said, "Yep, you're pregnant." So now he believes me. I guess all the sleepiness, trips to the bathroom, upset stomach, and crying wasn't enough evidence for him! It definitely feels more real today then ever before. The little peanut shaped blob was the cutest that I ever saw. Yep, the parent bias starts now. I love this baby!

Newest Adventure 2010

2010-01-03T07:55:00.000-08:00

I haven't written on here in so long! This is mainly because the only thing on my mind to say is something I had been trying fervently to keep a secret. Things that you don't want others to know about, you don't publish on a blog. Even my little blog that no one knows about. See how computer savvy I am? Well, now my secret is out. I should say our secret is out. My husband and I are starting our newest adventure, hence the blog title. (I love opportunities to use the word hence!) I almost wrote : My husband and I DECIDED to start a new adventure. While some of the 'deciding' was ours, as you will see, we have been blessed with this new adventure. So, imagine a drumroll riiiiiight ....... now. Ryan and I are going to be parents! We are beyond excited. We have been married for 7 years, a couple for 11 years, friends for 12 years, and known each other for 14 years. As my hubby would say, 'that's a lot of seconds.' We have spent over a decade being a part of each other's life, with each day gaining in significance, respect, and love. Some might think that Ryan and I have built a life together. We would say we are still building, and the proof is growing in me right now. Ryan is a great dad, already. He protects his little person the best he can by taking good care of me. We truly feel blessed and can't wait to watch this new adventure unfold.

Journals

2009-11-09T07:54:00.000-08:00

My hubby and I just moved and that means being forced to go through the junk and clutter. As I was sifting through the things that seem to just collect themselves, I cam across my old journals. I smiled looking at them waiting to see what I had written. I quickly opened one up and that is when I remembered what I do to journals. I write in them for a while and at some point read them back and feel that my thoughts are too scattered or that the pages haven't been written with any real purpose so I rip the pages out and throw them away. I want to start the writing over only with some meaning or purpose behind it. What I end up with is an empty journal with half the pages torn out. I ended up tossing the books out.
I don't know how many times I have had to stop myself from doing the very same thing with this blog. I have had to pry my little finger off the delete button so many times when I have had thoughts of starting it over. I have to remind myself what this writing is to me. I call it Snippets and Tangents because it is just little parts (snippets) of my life and I have given myself permission to not stay on any topic (tangents). It is messy but it is mine. It feels good just to write.

November

2009-11-05T12:12:00.000-08:00

It is now November and so much has changed. I have moved into a beautiful apartment downtown in the city I work in. It is one of the nicest downtowns I know. There are restaurants of all kinds, little shops, and cafes. I could and have walked home from work on occasion. I suppose I could walk to work as well, but that's going a bit overboard on the walking. The apartment community itself has many amenities and an ideal place to go for walks with Rio. He thinks he lives at a dog park. I feel like I live in a vacation spot.
This waking up and feeling like I live on vacation isn't always how I feel. I have had to face some serious struggles this month and wished that I could just get away. I can't get away but I can remember that I have so many blessings. I may have things that need fixing, organizing, and cleaning, but I have little vacation like moments throughout the day. They add up. So I will enjoy my beautiful bathroom while waiting for the kitchen sink to get fixed and I will go for a walk downtown when I need to be reminded of where I am and all the good there is to think about.

October Thus Far

2009-10-07T12:26:00.000-07:00

Day 1: I come home to find a for sale sign on my home. That is right, the home I live in is for sale and I had know idea.
Day 2: Hubby and I got away to Monterey. This was a very relaxing get away weekend but also productive. We found a new place to live. (We had already been looking for other reasons but the for sale sign was a final push.)
So October started out with some craziness but I welcome the new beginning. So many changes have happened as we are ushering in the new season. I can say that I am excited but also can also say that I am nervous. Fall is a season of change. It is my favorite season but so far I haven't been able to settle into it. I hope as we move and transition to a new home that we are able to relax and feel calm and settled.

I am so over September

2009-09-15T20:52:00.000-07:00

September 09 = blah.
This month has been frought with major changes and unexpected events that need not all happen in the same month and today is only the 15th. The half way mark. Could today please be the turing point? Just when I think that I have wrapped my mind around life, I get a voicemail from an unknown number and life starts heading in a new direction or I open my mailbox and out jumps craziness from a part of my life that was sailing along fine till now. So many things are beyond my control and somtimes I feel like I live in a snowglobe ignored on a shelf. All is calm and smooth till some passerby takes an intrest and turns it upside down and gives it a few good shakes. Now I am left to scramble around and solve all the problems created by the disruption. Things are honestly not that bad and in all the unsetteling there is some excitment but fear and panic live right there too. I have such hope for October right now because September has been non-stop. The thought that September is only halfway over makes me take back the hope I have for October and give it to tomorrow. I will try not to be rattled tomorrow. Ok I take that back too. I will try not to be rattled five minutes from now when I rest my head on my pillow so maybe I can get some sleep. September is so shaky. I would love to say I am standing on solid rock, but today I think I am just resting my elbows on it.

Who would like to....

2009-08-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

Starting back at school means volunteering. In any and all meetings where teachers get together you are likely to hear the phrase, "who would like to.." followed by some task that the asker would hate to do. Yes if you are the one asking for volunteers for a task that you are equally obligated to do yourself, then the task must be....yucky. We are also working out all the scheduling for the year. This is a chance to prefer someone over yourself but it is so hard especially because it can feel like year after year. When people seem to be looking out for themselves it is hard to let them have it their way or do the task they don't want to do. It is easy to think that you have a 'right' or to just want to look out for yourself. My work is a service to students but it also could be a service to my coworkers. This week I have been trying to swallow down 'my way' and 'my rights' and be happy regardless. An unfair yard duty schedule or a inequitable division of resources should not gain control of my feelings. I will not be fearful and shrewd in an effort to lean things to my advantage. When I hear "who would like to..." I will try to, with a smile knowing that whatever I have to do I will be able to do.

If the walls could talk...

2009-08-01T23:24:00.000-07:00

In January I made a resolution to try new things and I am happy to say it is a resolution that I have kept unlike many others. I have made a road trip from coast to coast, a dream that my hubby and I have talked about for years. A new exciting adventure. We are home with many pictures and happy memories. One of the first things that I did was pick some favorite pictures from the trip to frame and hang on the walls. This got the ball rolling and I started framing pictures from other trips and times with family. They are now hanging on the walls that I never took the time to fill. Hun says that they bring life to the rooms. I have to agree. I have wandered from room to room in our tiny home looking and remembering. We take road trips watching our budget rather than flying in to exotic locations, but we are richly blessed. The walls in my home now remind me of this.

Road Trip Eastward

2009-07-22T05:43:00.000-07:00

Today is the turning point of our road trip. Thus far we have been heading east. We continued this direction until we couldn't any longer finding ourselves in Jacksonville Beach, Florida. I woke up this morning to the sun rising over the ocean. I live in a world of sunset beaches so seeing this was new and amazing. We couldn't resist going for a walk despite how tired we were. Just trying to soak every bit of this time in. What an amazing ride this has been. I have seen, touched, tasted, heard, and unfortunately smelled (and fortunately smelled), parts of my country that I have never been to before. We are headed for Georgia now and then we head west. We will head that direction until we can no longer finding ourselves home in the Bay Area. Seeing all this reminds me how much there is still to see. I am so excited for what's ahead.

Day 1 of Our Summer Road Trip

2009-07-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

Today we made to Las Vegas where we will meet up with my mom. There is nothing new about this leg of the trip because we do it a couple times a year. Tomorrow we start the part of our journey that is all new. Can't wait!

When Fun Clashes with Duty

2009-07-06T15:44:00.000-07:00

Summer fun has ran head on into duty. That's right I said, "duty." As a child, ok and now a little bit, whenever anyone said duty I would giggle because, in case you aren't aware, duty is another word for number two. Real mature, right? My teachery husband is married to me his teachery wife meaning that we in fact have summers off together. For these summers we plan to go on vacations together. He got picked for jury duty first thing this summer. Duty! The entire summer so far my hubby has spent in the courthouse of our lovely city making sure someone gets a fair trial. This is nobel and dutiful. Yes quite dutiful (hehehe). When I got this news I cried. I had to say good bye to the plans that we made together. My husband is very understanding of my need to cry it out sometimes and allots me five minutes unless it is a really big deal. So I got my five minutes in and then changed my perspective. I resolved to make the most of my summer despite his absence, and he resolved to make the most of his despite his time in court.
Here is what has happened so far:

Countless baseball games
Wicked the Musical
Concerts downtown
Outdoor movies
Indoor movies
Sleeping in
Naps
A two night trip to the most beautiful mountains
Trips to the beach
Lounging by the pool
4 books read and counting
A dog friendly wine tasting trip to Napa
Dinners out
Dinners in
Joined a book club
Cleaned out the basement
Added a TV and wet bar to the kitchen

Today is only July 6th and there is still so much more summer left. Despite the duty we have had a great summer so far and look forward to the rest of it. There is still so much more to come!

News

2009-04-20T21:38:00.000-07:00

I have never been to the ER for myself because I was sick. I now have. I have been for a fractured wrist after snowboarding but never from being sick. Something new is an ER visit with a fever that wouldn't break. After finally going into the ER, I was told by the doctor that I couldn't go to work, another something new. Teachers aren't really supposed to take Mondays or Fridays off. I was headed toward joblessness and now I have to take a Monday off. Not comfortable. I was off Monday and Tuesday. I was offered my job back on Tuesday. Perhaps the roller coaster ride is over or maybe this is just another dip before a steep climb. Either way it isn't for me to worry.
Another New: Staying at the Venecian and watching The Blue Man Group in Vegas. So fun!

Still Waiting it Out

2009-03-24T20:45:00.000-07:00

Waiting to see if you have a job is a long wait. Roller Coasters are fun at first. If they keep going they loose their fun. As kids my brother and I went to the faire with my Uncle. The scariest ride there was a ride called The Zipper. It took all the courage that we could muster but we decided to go on it. It is a ride with two seater cages that spin upside down over and over while going around a loop over and over. This was so fun and exciting at first. We were pretty proud of our selves. The ride didn't stop. There is a normal expected amount of time for a ride to end. This ride went far beyond this. At first we kind of giggled and said that this was a long ride. Then panic set in. We began to brace ourselves. Then we came up with a plan to scream when we get to the bottom hoping someone would hear us. The ride continued. It turned out that my uncle knew the man operating the ride and told him to leave us on a while. He thought this was funny. We did not. See roller coasters are fun but there is a limit. Finding that you have a job and then finding that you don't. Not fun. Stop this ride. At least getting a pink slip is something new and I am about the new this year.

Happy Blog-iversary to Me

2009-03-11T21:03:00.000-07:00

Slip

2009-03-11T16:57:00.000-07:00

She began the meeting by telling us we were not being "laid off," we were being "released from our positions" after finishing up the remainder of the school year. Nice. This is what the two sentence note printed on white paper that I had to sign indicated as well. Double nice. Really? My pink slip couldn't have been, well...I don't know...pink! hahaha! They are hopeful to let me know about my potential rehire by the end of the month. This is my bright spot. I knew this was coming. I am one of about 20,000 others throughout California getting their pinks this week.

What would you do if you were president?

2009-01-26T19:22:00.000-08:00

I posed this question to a small writing group in my class today. My favorite answer was, "go to the snow." I am right there with her. Sure the president has super important things to do, but who doesn't? Go to the snow.
Something new: Liking hot tea is really nothing new. I like plain tea with a little bit of cream. A few years back I even ventured into green tea. New today: fruit flavored tea, peach and raspberry, still with a little cream. Yum! I have always claimed to hate flavored tea. This is apparently not true.

What's New For Me Today?

2009-01-13T17:43:00.000-08:00

When I decided that I wanted to find something new each day this year, I knew that it would be a challenge. Some days are so mundane and so like other days that I have lived before. When you ask someone about their day we often hear, "same ol', same ol'" or "nothing new." I find myself saying these same things. It's strange to think that I can be busy while simultaneously being... bored. Another saying that people like to use is, 'never boring.' That's not true! Busy doesn't equal not-boring. Busy and bored= stress for me. So as I'm searching for something new each day, I find myself not able to think of new things at times. Hubby wasn't aware of my quest for the new so I decided to share this with him a moment ago. He started reminding me of the new things that I have done lately. Small things but new things. Things I didn't think of. This caused me to realize that part of my lack of perspective is a lack of communication. It's not that I never thought to share with him that I am trying to do something new each day, it's that I don't want my idea to be put down. I know that Ryan wouldn't do that, but it is my habit to keep things to myself sometimes. I do it without even thinking. Sure we have to communicate about calendar items and finances and other everyday things, but there are other things to talk about. I know the importance of communication but I saw another example today of how valuable it is. When I shared my life with him, it gave him an opportunity to share with me too. His thoughts changed my perspective. It is amazing that after 6 years of marriage there are still so many new things to learn about each other. My favorite new today is my relationship with Hun. There are still new things to discover.

Working for the Weekend or Through the Weekend?

2009-01-10T19:33:00.000-08:00

Thursday:
Pre-made pizza dough from Trader Joe's. Amen to yummy, easy, homemade pizza.

Friday:
Watching Alexander and the Horrible, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day on the stage at Santa Clara University. Amen to field trips that take up all the instructional time and to the recognition that sometimes days really are just bad.

Today:
Today I was trained in CI. In other words, I had to work on a Saturday. This isn't exactly a new idea but the training was. I like to learn how to better teach my students. It was painful to give up a Saturday. I was so grouchy this morning that my Hubby couldn't even grouch back, he just laughed and then made me a latte. That's love. CI stands for Continuous Improvement. I love this idea. We all can further improve and set goals toward this improvement. A great lesson to learn as we start this new year.

We Not So Fit

2009-01-07T20:27:00.000-08:00

As a kid I could hula hoop. I could keep it going with very little effort. In recent years I tried to hula hoop as a demonstration to my students. I thought I would show them how to do it. This resulted in the hula hoop tangling around my feet and the students asking to show me how to do it. I let them. Hula hooping is not for public display I decided, and should always be tested ahead of time if it is to be demonstrated.
Tonight I was visiting with my siblings who got a Wii Fit for Christmas. They wanted to create a little character for me but I declined when I realized my weight and health age would be on display. So I used my little sister's character, to which the TV says , "your weight has changed since you last played." Thanks. We were playing hula hoop. This is the game of standing on a little board with no hula hoop and shaking your bon bon while your family laughs at your expense, all the while your little TV character keeps getting hit in the head with flying hula hoops and you nearly fall off the white board as everyone shouts, "faster" and "lean" and hubby shakes his head in shame. F-U-N. While this was a humbling display of my not fitness it was actually fun. My new experience for today is the Wii Fit. The fam reassured me that if I were to get one I could password protect my character so I don't have to share my personal BMI with the known world because BMI is TMI.

Lemon Tree

2009-01-06T19:02:00.000-08:00

So way back in the farm days, whatever that means, (I am aware that people do currently live on farms) it must have seemed like a luxury to go to the store and buy food. Probably the less they had to grow or make for themselves was luxurious. They are clearly correct. Imagine baking bread on a regular basis. Suddenly a peanut butter and jelly sandwich would be a specialty. Would I mind pouring out the milk that expires a little more if I had to get it personally from the cow? I think yes. So I am in no way suggesting that I wish I could be deprived of modern conveniences. No, bring on the convenience. But there is something that is beautiful about fresh baked bread (warm carbs in general). There is something comforting about going to my lemon tree and picking a lemon that I grew or grew despite me, to use for dinner. I don't get the same feeling at Safeway. As I am documenting the new things I do this year, I am happy to say that tonight I roasted a chicken with a lemon from my tree. The first lemon picked from this tree unless you count when my nieces picked the green buds off. Yummy lemon roasted chicken!

New Start

2009-01-03T08:55:00.000-08:00

I love new starts. I would never let on for fear of being smacked silly, but I secretly love Mondays and mornings too. Everything that I managed to screw up previously is now in the past. The bad things that happened have been lived through and the good things that happened are now the memories I draw upon when I need hope. It is now 2009 and I am not where I thought I would be in life and I am not who I thought I would be. I like who I am and where I am for the most part but I know that there is still more. It is the very beginning of this brand new year and so much can happen for 2009. This year I plan to document new experiences and oldies but goodies. I want to experience something new each day. I plan to be more discriminating with my time and more considerate about my contribution to the world. Day one of 2009 I spent walking across the Golden Gate bridge with my husband and dog. This is something that we have always talked about doing and never did. Well now it is done. I loved it, we loved it. It is ours to enjoy as we remember it together. The next day Babe asked me out to breakfast. Of course I said yes, and chose a crepe place I have wanted to go to since I noticed it years ago. Another great experience. The last couple of days of 2008 were spent in Napa riding the Wine Train and staying at a B&B two things we have talked about doing since we got married over 6 years ago. Today I put up new curtains. It is time to start crossing things off our list of things to try and revisiting things that we loved. I am so thankful to start this new year. It feels like a special gift. My parents give many little gifts for Christmas and then the last one is the most important, the star gift. Each day is a gift and a year is the star gift. 2009 is here with a million possibilities.

I never thought...

2008-12-11T13:06:00.000-08:00

I never thought that I would ever teach Kindergarten. Ever. Never ever. Never never ever. It is amazing how you can become something with out even trying. I wanted to be a teacher but I didn't venture off into the world of teaching thinking that I would ever even need enter a kindergarten classroom. I pictured myself in front of a classroom full of ultra mature fourth graders. I am not a teacher of the fourth grade. I am a kindergarten teacher. I was watching some crime fighting, spy like, super cool gadget having show. The leading lady was asked about how she got into this business and she mentioned that her mom wanted her to teach kindergarten, to which everyone on the show started laughing. I wasn't laughing and the corner of my mouth twitched slightly. See if I didn't teach I would be a detective super secret something. Apparently, those super secret dudes and dudettes find kindergarten teachers amusing. Apparently my job would be last on their list of possibilities. Somehow despite what I thought I would do, I became a kindergarten teacher. To quote one of my students who says with quivering lips, "You get what you get and you don't get upset." Hubby asked me if I intended to stay in the world of kindergarten (fellow educators are aware that it is a world separate and distant from their own.) I told him I am trying to embrace it. I am a kindergarten teacher. Recently I have received many compliments about my ability to teach kindergartners specifically. Parents who are in my classroom have told me that they have learned better how to communicate with their children by watching me and listening to me.
See another thing I never thought, was that I was a good communicator. Sure I am a teacher by day, but in real life I am shy. Sometimes I stutter and stumble over words. My voice is naturally quiet. I can't always think of something I would want to say. Communication is never something I intended to teach. It is something I have tried to learn.
So even though I never thought....I am and could be. I imagine that there will be many other times when I find myself somewhere I never thought I would be.

The Planets Aligned....Not or Maybe

2008-12-02T20:33:00.000-08:00

When I left my classroom the moon was out. This is not a good sign because when I left for work the moon was also out. The good thing about seeing the moon is also getting to see the planets Venus and Jupiter. It was beautiful. Attitude changing beautiful. What is one difficult hour of my time in light of eternity? Can I handle that? Think so. Seeing the mystery in the sky made me feel small in a good way. Like when a blister bursts, shrinks, and stops throbbing (grouse and graphic, so sorry). When I got smaller my problems shrunk too. They are just tiny problems. When I see how tiny I am I can love others better. This should be my focus: to love. At home I promptly got in pjs and crawled into bed. When hubby got home he came in with a package from my mom. It contained my phone cord that I left there and a gift card to Starbucks. STARbucks! Do you think that it is possible that God directed my eyes to his stars and wanted me to take note? I do. Maybe they were made for me (ok, not just me), but I am thankful for two "star" gifts today. Time to head to bed. Hun and Rio are both snoring...hehe.

Goodbye Vacation

2008-11-30T16:11:00.000-08:00

In the rush of finishing report cards and getting ready for vacation I forgot about a little life that I am in charge of...Pumpkin, the class fish. I decided to pack him or her (him, I think) up for a trip to Vegas. This decision was made to ensure that Pumpkin would be there for the students when they get back. Hun wasn't happy about the prospect of a goldfish accompanying us as we headed off down south. See he was worried that this would not be safe for Pumpkin or Rio who may see the fish as a very fresh snack. Because of this we decided to take him to a fish-sitter (family in our hometown). Before we could get there the vase he was traveling in spilled over sending Pumpkin to the floor board of the car to flop around in what was left of his water before it soaked into the carpet. We both panicked yelling,"the fish!" I grabbed him and put him back into what was left of his water. He seemed sort of fine and my husband seemed sort of right about not traveling on land with sea creatures. I noticed that a few of his scales came off. I knew it didn't look good for my Pumpkin. We dropped him off and I proceeded to tell my family how much I liked this fish and how special he is and why Pumpkin is different than any other fish I have seen. I was telling all this to blankly staring faces who couldn't quite grasp my attachment to this fish. My dad nodded his head likely remembering other creatures I have attached myself to (including but not limited to an opossum or two). You see Pumpkin had amassed quite a following in his short little classroom life. He was truly no ordinary fish. Not only did the students love him the adults in my class would often wander to his bowl and admire him. See he wouldn't just sit around in there, he is very interactive. He followed people around as much as he could from his bowl. Good fish. He didn't make it overnight. My family assured me that he got a proper fish goodbye before taking the swirl. This was the beginning of my vacation. I killed the fish.
Other than that it was a great vacation. When I describe my vacation you might think that the previous sentence was meant in sarcasm, but it wasn't at all. It truly was a vacation. I spent my whole vacation in some sort of sweat pant and top suit. I didn't use any hair product or make-up. I love these things but sometimes they need to be avoided. I stuffed myself with food and full sugar soda. I only ventured into the world twice, once to go to the movies and the other to go shopping. I vegged out my whole vacation. On the way home we stopped by to visit my newborn baby nephew. I sat and held him for hours and then ate at least four slices of pizza. I am entering my new work week totally rested and happy. Tomorrow I get a new student and have to find a solution to the fish, but today I am on vacation.

Older

2008-11-17T21:41:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I will wake up older, officially. Waking up older is something I do everyday but tomorrow I take note and so do the people who love me. To honor this little event my family came over for dinner tonight. As I was eating, my youngest sister kept checking my plate to see if I was done and as soon as she thought I was, she took my plate to the kitchen for me. She was anxious to get to the presents. She had presents to give. My baby sister brought gifts she picked out from around her house. She wrapped each one herself and no one knew what she brought. The first was a gold bead necklace that would easily fit into your typical Marti Gra celebration. I put it on right away. The next was an old fashion hand crank beater of some kind. Her final gift was a gold tiara with pink gems. This was the most special because I know it is something she loves. I have seen her wear it several times. Most recently she wore it to the movies with me. I quickly put it on. The rest of the night she called me beautiful birthday. What a sweet generous heart. It is beautiful to see her little selfless act. She wants me to wear it over to her house. despite feeling a little silly I do feel very beautiful in my new tiara. I hope she doesn't ever loose that joy of giving. Truly this is shaping up to be a very happy birthday.

So Thankful

2008-11-11T17:34:00.000-08:00

When my alarm went off this morning I had my puppy curled up on my legs and a big smile on my face because I could hit the dismiss button rather than the snooze. Yep, I left my alarm on purposefully so I wouldn't miss this moment. It is Tuesday. A day when I should be waking up and getting ready for work but I am not. Thank you veterans. Hun and I are both teachers and knew that this mid-week holiday was coming and didn't want it to get here without a plan. Weeks ago we decided that the plan was to not have a 'plan.' We would watch movies and eat junk. Since making this non-plan plan, our jobs have both tried to reel us in. Colleagues wanted to plan meetings or even social outings, but nope, we stuck to the plan. This is very rare for us. Often we try to have a quiet day like this but something comes up and it is hard to say no. It is especially hard to say no when there isn't a viable excuse. This time I realized that I don't owe anyone an explanation. I am allowed to say no. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and a couple for 10. We are still figuring this whole 'us' thing out sometimes, especially when we are also trying do well in our jobs. The priorities we say we have don't always match what we do because as best friends we know that the other will be understanding and be supportive. I am so thankful for my husband, so thankful for my quiet day in his arms watching movies not even worth mentioning, and eating complete junk (apple pie for dinner). Even though we understand each other best and wouldn't hold the need for a day off at work against the other, I am so thankful we still choose each other. I am thankful that our relationship is still growing. I love you Babe and look forward to many more days of hiding out with you.

Too Much

2008-11-04T16:38:00.000-08:00

I am still digesting an incredibly emotional weekend. It is amazing that one can feel so happy for someone and devastated for another at the same time. This weekend I went to a very beautiful wedding and watched two friends start their married life together. The next day I went to a memorial service and watched a friend, a bride of only seven months, start the process of saying goodbye to her husband. He is missed by so many. There are no words. My eyes are in a perpetual state of puffy.

Beginning of Fall

2008-10-26T19:38:00.000-07:00

Tonight Hun and I went for a walk. There was just enough chill in the air to warrant a sweatshirt but not enough to really need one. The sun had just gone down and there was a little haze in the air that showed through the street lights. We could smell a BBQ going and hear people chatting in their backyards. At first we thought it was the BBQ that was causing the slight haze until we recognized another smell, fireplaces. We could distinctly smell BBQ mingled with fireplaces. This is really only a smell you will catch on a few nights right at the beginning of fall.

Take 2

2008-10-25T16:42:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up at 5:00 in the morning, never a good start on a Saturday. It began going downhill from there. I opened my e-mail to find that wow, someone sent a less than sweet e-mail. This was followed by my hubby saying, 'let's go get a donut' and then changing his mind. Break my heart. Before I know it I am in tears and can't really explain why and the harder I try to explain the sillier I feel and the sadder I feel. So I do what any normal girl would do and snuggle into his shoulder and fall back to sleep for a little while.
Wake up number 2:
I have a cup of coffee. Hun makes breakfast burritos and I get back to my e-mail to find that it solved itself. Well, mostly. Early afternoon we take my three little sisters to see High School Musical 3. It was an absolute feel good movie. Very cute and fun. Later I went suit shopping with my honey, a total stud.
It's nice to know that sometimes there are "do overs."

What if...

2008-10-09T19:45:00.000-07:00

What if a mom told you, with no hesitation, that she fed her son more than one chocolate cupcake for breakfast? Then, right before sending him into your classroom, she popped a Reese's peanut butter cup in his mouth. Later, at snack, you discover that he has 3 chocolate puddings and yet another Reese's and that's all. What then? I love chocolate and to her credit she did give me a cupcake, but really? Are you sure? Do you hate me, mom of the hyped up, constantly thirsty child, who has melt downs on a daily basis? I don't know what I've done to offend you, but couldn't we just meet in a back alley and duke it out? Or maybe it's money you want. Tell you what, I got 5 bucks with your name on it, in addition to spending every day with your child, if you would please consider a veggie or something. Please.

Back to School Night Aftermath

2008-09-28T09:09:00.000-07:00

Preparing for a Back to School Night (B2SN) is a huge under taking. I work on it for days and plan everything even putting some thought into what I would wear that night. There is so much build up to that night. I feel a lot of energy and excitement and after I feel drained. This week's B2SN was no different. I worked all weekend followed by a 10 hour day and then a 13 hour day on the actual day of B2SN. It is a good thing that I truly enjoy my job. The moment that the night ended I felt so tired. When I finally got home I kicked off my favorite, carefully chosen, shoes and crawled into bed. Rio protested this lack of attention but I was determined to get some sleep. He was restless. This all culminated in being woken up at 4:30am to find that Rio had decided to pursue a career in fashion design. He turned my FAVORITE shoes into an open toe sandal. Clever. I wanted to cry. I wanted to yell at Rio and kick him outside. Rather I took a deep breathe and cleaned it up. Poor little neglected puppy. Although I hate that my shoes faced such a terrible end at 4:30am, this is a wake up call. Somehow even at that early hour I was able to think with some clarity. Something I want to learn more about in my life is balance. I wish I could say, "lesson learned," I guess what I can say is, "point taken." I love teaching but long weekends and 13 hour days aren't for me. They are signs of procrastination, disorganization, and lack of balance. Thanks Rio for an excuse to pick up a new pair of shoes, also for the reminder that I need to organize my time better, and perhaps not leave my shoes lying around.

Day Nine: Kindergarten

2008-09-08T18:13:00.000-07:00

So exciting! Teaching is cool.
Today I asked one of my students to put her name on her paper and, drum roll please,... she did!
A little background:
Day One: When asked to put her name on her paper, she scribbled randomly on her paper. She also scribbled on the table. She didn't even recognize her name.
Since then some important work has been done with names but never until today did she write something on her paper that even remotely looked like letters, let alone her name. But today she did. It still needs work, a lot of work. But today she wrote her name. She can find her name among other names.
I celebrated this victory. I praised her and told her how proud I was. This praise caused a ripple effect. The boy sitting next to her also can't write his name, but seeing her do it inspired him to try harder. He got closer to writing his name today then ever before. Yeah! Yeah for learning to write your name.

Hooked Up

2008-08-26T20:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday while attempting to vacuum Hubby was assaulted. The vacuum began sputtering and sparking. We knew that it was going down but we didn't know it would be going down in flames. I think that the last thing that I want to spend money on right now is a new vacuum. It was given to us as a wedding gift now over six years ago. I guess that that is good run for a vacuum but it is a reminder that my wedding was a while ago. Two couples we are friends with are getting married this fall and it is making me miss my own wedding. Hun, will you marry me? It was such a romantic time. Everything was new and exciting. As I was thinking about that, I realized that I am in a pretty new and exciting time right now. I am married to my best friend, my sweet, romantic best friend who shops for vacuums with me. Vacuums that we now have to buy our selves (side note: as I am writing this, Hun just brought me a cold drink and he is making dinner. Did I mention he is sweet and cute?).
So back to this new exciting time that I am in. My thoughtful friend totally hooked me up. I have lamented the fact that my classroom was quite scantly clad. Well she joined me in my fight against a blank classroom and boy did she come through! I am very happy with my classroom and touched by her generosity. She is a fellow teacher and therefore very busy, yet she had time to help me. So it wasn't exactly like registering for my wedding, but it was a great, gift laden, start to a new adventure.
So even though I may be condemned to a life of purchasing my own vacuums I am also blessed with great people in my life. People who would cover the shame of a naked classroom. And those are the kind of people a girl needs.

Nostalgia

2008-08-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

Nostalgia is a tricky thing. I am totally terrified of my new job. Some days I am so excited and I can't wait to get started. Then there are days like these. Today I started missing my last job. I miss my principal, my co-workers, the students, the parents, the parking lot. I miss my classroom. I miss the smell of coffee beans burning at the cafe down the street and my chair. Today I was reading my book (by force of my husband who didn't want me worrying about work) and the main character changed jobs. I burst into tears. To which I found the loving arms of Hubby around me. I proceeded to tell him that I wanted my old job back. I explained to him that I was totally happy at my other job. Everything was better back at my other job. I cried into his shoulder. His shoulder began shaking up and down a little bit. I thought he had began crying too. This was super sad after all. There is no going back at this point. I have been replaced. He wasn't crying. He was laughing. Not at me of course but clearly laughing. Perhaps he was remembering the times I cried on his shoulder while at my last job. He gently reminded me that life wasn't perfect last year either. Somehow no matter how less-than-perfect my last job was, it seems just great in the face of all the unknowns right now. I loved my last job but I do have to admit that I vented to Hun about somethings last year too. No job is perfect and as Hun reminded me today, I can be happy at my new job too. I am mostly excited, but sometimes I get caught up in nostalgia.

Last Hoorah

2008-08-18T16:52:00.000-07:00

On Saturday Hubby and I went to the lake with his brothers and their boat. We spent the day on the lake wakeboarding and inner-tubing. We ate hot dogs and chips and other junk we don't normally eat. The lake shore was muddy and we tromped though it with out worry. I sat in the shade chatting with family about nothing and thinking about nothing. Stress free. I played and laughed and dug and chased Rio and screamed for him to come back. He was living a full doggy life, rolling in mud, swimming after birds, digging for clams, and trying to snatch hot dogs. I promised myself I wouldn't over do it. I would take it easy as not to get sore for the work week ahead. Some how I over did it. My arms are so sore! I thought that Saturday would be a last hoorah but it has followed me into the work week. My arms are so hard to move they feel like they have been tied down. I am tired, sore, and slightly sun burned. All in all it was a great day but I have know idea how I will get everything done that needs to be done this week. Reality is starting to settle on me and I am getting overwhelmed. I feel like taking a nap. It is time to get to work and I hardly know where to start...

Day 1: New School & No Stuff

2008-08-12T19:37:00.000-07:00

Today I entered my new world for the first time. I now have three faces to match three names (three nice, smiling faces). My new classroom is totally blank. I opened every cabinet and drawer and there was nothing. Zilch. I thought maybe I would vomit (at least that would add something to the room). My new classroom is huge. Vast empty space. This was shocking at first. I was expecting to come into a classroom with some things already in it, like paper or maybe a box or two of crayons. Nope. Can I ask where the stapler is? How can I teach anything without a stapler? Maybe ask me to teach with my hands tied behind my back? Would that be fun?!? (Huh? Random venting. Sorry. Remember I was in shock.) I have helped many a teacher start a classroom and do you want to know what that looks like? Sorting and rearranging stuff. Stuff. Finding out what stuff to keep and what stuff to get rid of. Figuring out a good place to keep all the stuff. Figuring out the best way to use the stuff. Labeling the stuff. All of this involves stuff. Stuff that is mysteriously absent from my new classroom. I considered running back to my old classroom full of stuff that I have organized and labeled and pleading for my job back or handcuffing myself to the cabinet (if need be, of course. I wouldn't just do that willy nilly). I just sat in the middle of that new room and looked around. I tried to imagine how it would look on the first day of class. How would I turn this nothingness into something? That's when things changed. I love being a teacher and all the creativity it involves. I am feeling pretty excited now. Things will come and I have a teacher stuff collection hiding down in my basement waiting for it's new home. This is still kind of (really) scary but in a good way (better way). I will really miss my old classroom, especially how comfortable I was feeling in it, but I am looking forward to the new year and right now it is a total blank slate.

Day Last of Summer '08

2008-08-11T17:45:00.001-07:00

Today is officially the last day of my summer. My students won't be coming to school for 2 more weeks but today is the last day for me. I have to get started setting up the classroom and getting things ready. Wow. If I am sounding excited, I'm not. I am scared. I don't know one person. I can't put a face with one name and oh yeah, I only know one name (one faceless name). I hate the anxiety of first impressions. What if I start off on the wrong foot? This school is totally different from my last one and I am really unsure what to expect or what this year is going to look like. A year from now I hope I look this post up and laugh at my lack of confidence. I have lived this experience before, over and over in fact. How many times did I change schools? I have know idea but I was the constant new girl. One of the most notable times was when I went from Jr. High to High School. I knew no one and everything was different from the school I graduated eighth grade at. I was scared and lonely. My strategy was to look for someone who seemed to not know anyone either and befriend them. I figured there would be others who were 'new' like me. It sort of worked. It was a very proactive take charge approach, a 'not in my nature' sort of approach. Somewhere along the way my confidence waned. I sort of gave up. I didn't want to try. That approach won't exactly work in this situation anyway, there aren't going to be many others who are new. It feels silly because I never imagined that as an adult I would have to go through 'first day of school jitters' again, but apparently I have more work to do in this area. I want to see that proactive girl come back, but this time not give up or get too discouraged even if...all the even ifs.

The Bat Man

2008-08-04T21:06:00.000-07:00

Last night my husband and I FINALLY saw Batman. We went out to dinner first and then to the movie. This is a big night for us not that we don't go on dates we just usually go on free dates. Hun really wanted to see this movie. It was kind of scary for me. I don't like to see people in pain. In a movie like that they invent strange and disgusting ways to inflict pain. So I spend a lot of time with my eyes closed or buried into Babe's shoulder. To me this violence doesn't add to the storyline and without the luxury of rewinding or asking Hun what happened I usually miss something in the theater. Still there is something fun about the fast action, far fetched plot, and characters who stay cool under beyond stressful circumstances. There is the need for a hero and a hero is there. I see horrible things on the news and worse I see friends/family face scary stuff. Where is The Bat Man? Who can make a difference? I don't know how to fix all the problems I see. I don't even know how to help. Where is Batman?!? On second thought, I don't need a hero who swoops in and changes things for the moment. I need one who reaches on the inside and changes things forever. Lord please help. Help our friend breathe and give him and his family peace. Help us know what they need and how to help if we can.

Me and Her

2008-08-03T08:17:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time (20 years ago), there was a little brown haired girl who was very shy and didn't know anyone (me). There was a bubbly little redhead girl who seemed to know everyone and loved laughing (her). She came running up to me and asked if I were a twin (referring to my younger but same size brother who also didn't know anyone). I was not. Somehow that one question turned into many of other questions and lots and lots of laughing. This grew into slumber parties, phone calls, pager code (texting of the 90s), ancient beauty secrets (mayonnaise on hair, never again), shopping, and being there when we needed each other most. We referred to the other as our 'best friend' or if we were watching Anne of Green Gables, our 'bosom buddy'. We thought for sure we would end up living on the same street someday, completely inseparable. But as stories often go there have been unexpected plot twists and new characters introduced (especially husbands) that change everything. Everything and nothing. She and I don't see each other nearly as much as we thought as children. We don't talk as much as we should, but somehow when we do see each other that connection is still there. Nothing has really changed. BFFs! So how does the story end? Somehow it doesn't, even if way too much time has gone by. It was so good to see her last night!

Do you believe in magic?

2008-08-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

I do! I do! Yesterday Hub and I purchased something that I have been wanting for years. Let me first tell you my dilemmas.
1. Counter Space.
We live in an adorable little house. Did I mention it is small? Picture this, our bathroom is in our lemon yellow kitchen. We call it our one stop shop. Even in the largest homes counter space is usually a problem for us it may be an emergency.
2. Needing to blend stuff
Especially smoothies for breakfast (real ones, good for you ones, not fruit milkshakes)
3. Needing to food process stuff
I love to make sauces and dips.
4. I like (love) organization and making things easier
Because of this you will notice that things in my home aren't exactly put away. The things I use most are out or close to where they will be used (in a tasteful stylish way, I hope). I like to be able to get things done quickly and looking for something bugs me. (Please don't think I am the queen of organization or something, I am just making a small effort in this area.)
So because of these four things I am loving my latest purchase: The Magic Bullet. You know the tiny 'bullet' shaped blender/processor claiming to do big jobs in ten seconds! I have to admit that I get sucked in to infomercials. My eyes get locked into the TV while some part of my brain is trying to tell my thumb to push the channel button, and my husband begins crying out in pain from being subjected to a long drawn out commercial. Please don't think that this is what happened here. It truly isn't. I remember seeing this infomercial years ago and it had an impact but I wasn't compelled to buy it off the TV. Now years later, I was in Bed Bath and Beyond with Hun, looking at blender/processor combos. That's when the magic happened. I found the 'Magic Bullet' and decided that it was just the gadget my kitchen needed. So far I have made a smoothie and currently I am enjoying a frappuccino. Later I plan to make an egg scramble thingy. I keep asking Hubby if he needs anything bulleted. So far nothing. Anyhow my purchase really does feel like magic and I really like how it fits on my counter top.
It's well...magical. (Do you sense my sarcasm. Not a fan of the name.)

Crissy Field

2008-07-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Hubby and I decided to spend the day at Crissy Field in the city. Rio loved it. I love to see him run free and choose to come back to me. He can't stand to be very far from us and I love to see him look back for us. I was also taken by the beauty of the day. So many people were out on the water. It was so romantic to me walking down the beach holding hands admiring the view and each other. It really was romantic until Rio choked down a crab. A whole crab! We were screaming, "drop it, leave it!" This only caused him to choke it down faster. When I got a hold of him I pried his mouth open and looked down his throat but there wasn't anything to see but a pleased little look in his eyes.

Abba! Who Knew?

2008-07-26T08:35:00.001-07:00

My husband is probably the best sport I know. Over our vacation it was opening weekend for two movies: Batman and Mama Mia. Guess which one we saw. He let my mom and I choose and we wanted to see Mama Mia. I have never seen my mom more excited during a movie. The audience was so active. People were singing, dancing, and clapping. I am generally anti clapping for a movie, it is something I reserve for live performances only, but for this movie it seemed to work. I liked this movie so much. I would look over at my mom and we would be either laughing or wiping away a tear. For my mom's birthday I gave her the sound track and she said she has already played it a few times. I have to admit that I seem to have the songs stuck in my head too. I wish my life were a musical and at random times I could just burst into song (oh yeah, I already do that). I wish that bursting into song seemed normal. Now Hun has to put up with my 'living a musical' dream at home. He asks me a question and the response he might get is: "Ah-hah, Honey, Honey." If were are talking about money: "Money, Money, Money, always sunny in a rich man's world." He is beginning to wonder if we will ever have a serious conversation again. We will, Honey. Abba too shall pass. Well, maybe. Guess what we will go see next. Batman. I don't know if it will have the same effect.

Vacation Highlights and Star Apperances

2008-07-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

My husband and I just got back from vacation. Some people (who will go unnamed) like to smirk when I say that because I am a teacher and happen to have the whole summer off (not my fault). There were so many highlights during my vacation and I will probably end up sharing many of them but for now I will just focus on one:
I was on Jay Leno last night.
Please don't be too shocked. It was bound to happen sometime. Hun and I were in the Burbank area (visiting Babe's brother) and I decided to make an appearance. Normally I am a pretty private person and I am more of a Letterman gal, but for Jay I decided to stop by. Really it was a last minute thing and I don't normally do that sort of thing.
Ok I have lead you on. Maybe I wasn't an invited guest, but please just let me have my moment. I really was on the show and I did have fans watching (my mom and grandma, if they stayed up late enough). I was part of the studio audience. Please keep reading. This is serious business.
Can you believe that for free you get to go to the show and watch it get filmed?! This was super fun.
A few mishaps:
1st: We went to the famous Pinks for lunch (hot dog stand to the stars). 3 problems:
1. No one famous was even there (except me because later I was going to be on Jay Leno. No one wanted and autograph or picture.).
2. They only except cash, a thing we don't have. This is California isn't it? Isn't it?!?
3. Babe stepped in something slimy and smelly. Gross!
2nd: We wanted to get a tour of NBC studios, but it was sold out.
Upside? Yes
We ate at Weinersnitchel and got in line early for the show.
There was plenty of entertainment. There was a lady in line with bright pink dress and a matching flower in her hair. She had a blond wig on and Jay Leno badge. She welcomed each new guest to the line. She walked up and down the line telling us what to expect and taking questions. It eventually came out that she didn't work for the Leno show. She was a self proclaimed line organizer for the show. When the real ushers came out it was clear that they knew her. In fact that day was her 431st day in a row going to the Jay Leno show. Wow.
I loved, loved, loved this part of my trip. Babe thanks for planning the whole thing. You make me feel like such a star. By the way, I love the mishaps.

2 Beauty Faves

2008-07-14T07:46:00.000-07:00

Writing for a beauty magazine would be a super fun job. I would get to go up and down the beauty aisle of let say Target (although I wouldn't be apposed to Macy's or the like) and with the help of friends, try out many different brands and decide which work better and write all about it. Well of course that isn't my job but you would be hard pressed to keep me out of those aisles and I have had to spend my own money on these "experiments." So here's the writing part. Over the years I have tried different brands in different price ranges and I have finally come to a few beauty products that I can call favorites. Here are 2 of those favorites:

My entire cosmetic collection is made up of Bare Essentials (except mascara.I still haven't found a mascara to stick with although, I seem to keep coming back to Great Lash. The famous pink and green).
It is a mineral powder make-up that makes me feel pampered when I put it on. I even love the style of the boutique and the packaging. It is simple and elegant and that is how it feels to wear it.

Bare Essentials also makes eye lid primer called Prime Time. I hate the name but I love the product. I like wearing eye shadow and I normally put it on even though it is a total waste. I must have the oiliest lids in creation and eye shadow just becomes oily smudges in the crease of my eye by mid morning. No more. I wear the primer and just before going to bed I wipe off perfectly shadowed eyes. Yes, dreams do come true.

More to come...

Happy Anniversary to Me (and Hubby)

2008-07-13T18:04:00.000-07:00

Yep, today is my 6th wedding anniversary. Six years ago today I got married to my best friend, high school sweetheart, and major crush. I love remembering my wedding day and all the dreams that have come true since then. I also love thinking about all the dreams to come.

A day of Nothing

2008-07-05T17:08:00.000-07:00

It is so rare that my husband and I have no plans. Today we have no plans. None. We lazed around all morning watching whatever made for TV movie was on. We read and talked without making any plans. We were completely, inexcusably lazy. It was a relaxing day with no promises to keep. We are house sitting in a beautiful home. My one and only outdoor excursion so far, was to pick plums to go with our breakfast/lunch from their backyard tree. They were perfectly ripe. Someday I hope to pick fruit from my own tree. To me that is beauty and elegance.

Ahh the Swedes

2008-07-02T19:54:00.000-07:00

So the Cubs come the Bay (real sports people understand this is a big deal. I have been educated). My husband is an avid sports lover. Yes avid. I enjoy going to the games mostly because Hubby keeps me entertained with junk food and there is never a shortage of silly people to watch. Somehow me and the Hub attract free tickets to ourselves quite often. In fact as I type he is at another Giants vs. Cubs game with his friend. So Monday we took the train and headed to my city for a little sports action. I was in the middle of a very exciting part in the book I was reading. When the security guy checks my purse he says, "No reading during the game, missy." I began pondering to myself whether this was a suggestion, or an actual park rule. The man responsible for trying to ensure the safety of the park was concerned about my little indulgence. Hubby must have caught my train of thought and echoed the security guys edict. We get to our seats and I love them. We are really high up and facing out toward the bay waters. Gorgeous. The view is amazing. We aren't down in the bleachers so the fans are pretty calm (dull). We are trying to save money and decided not to give our savings over the concession stands (tummy growling, not for lack of food, just want of nachos,or churros, or hot chocolate from a dispenser strapped to a guys back, or cotton candy, but not want of garlic fries. Garlic fries are toxic and the lasting effects are inappropriate.(Are you reading this Babe? Yes I am trying to tell you something.)) My idea of escaping into the novel stowed in my purse had already been squelched. I have no choice. My attention turns toward the game. That's when the Swede comes. He scoots over to sit by Hubby. He knows nothing about the game of baseball and my husband is almost giddy to bring him up to speed. Yes! Suddenly I am the best Giants fan. I start clapping and calling out stuff. All the while glancing at the Swede. This is all so entertaining now. You may be wondering why my sudden attitude change, my development of a sports mindedness? I know more than that guy. Way more! Normally I sit in the stands feeling as out of place as...as a...I don't know, just not in place. Now I was in. I pretty well understand baseball and I am a Giants fan, at least by osmosis. So I clapped (unfortunately there wasn't much to clap for), I said, 'ahh man' at the right times. Yep the Swede saw me. There I was loving up my most American of sports showing pride for my city. He is probably back in Sweden right now talking about the baseball game he went to and the nice sports loving couple he sat next to. So thankful I didn't defy the park etiquette and take out my book. My new Swedish friend left the park early. I hope I had nothing to do with that. Just after he left there was a grand slam. It was for the Cubs but still a neat thing to see. I leaned over to Hubby and said, "I wish the Swedish guy could have seen that." He said he was so proud of how into the game I was. He was eating it up. HeHe. Bonus points all around.

Arm wrestle? "Now that's more like it!"

2008-06-28T08:19:00.000-07:00

I have alluded to the fact that some pretty significant life changes are happening for me right now. I am looking for a new job. The interview process for teachers is nightmarish. I have sent several application packets out. (Notice I didn't say resumes. They want to know everything about you before even meeting you. So yes, I put together a memoir and sent it out to all the districts in my area.) Not getting a call back on my memoir is well, disheartening. Perhaps, I can publish it if the whole new job thing doesn't pan out. I am tempted to add a DVD of how excited Rio pup gets to see me when I come home. (This should be reference enough). I do get a call back from one district. I go for an interview (Several teachers and principals sitting in a U shape. Me at the top of the U. Rapid fire questioning). They love me. I am confident. They ask me to do a demo lesson for them. (That is district code for come to a classroom full of kids you don't know, teach them something you made up. We will stand at the back of the room with our clipboards taking notes). Again with the loving me. We will get back to you. Over a month later and one phone call from me, no getting back to me. New district. Another call back. Again with the questioning. Not so much with the love, more with the pen tapping, looking at the clock, full yawn. No call for demo.(Hubby is sensing my discouragement and gets flowers and a card saying I should come work in his district. He knows a teacher there with a crush on me and a cute butt). New district (Hubby's!) Another call back. Cell phone drops call. Mortified. I call back from a land line. She understands about the cell phone, laughs and says its like a cell phone commercial. Go in for the interview. Two nice ladies. Not so much with the rapid fire or ominous pen tapping, more with smiling. Leave not confident but relieved it is over. Called again. No need for demo. H.R. lady says that two nice ladies from earlier are about to arm wrestle for me and thought that before they do they should ask me what grade level I would prefer. (WHAT!!!????) I tell her what I prefer. Called the next day and officially offered the job! Yeah! One problem. They still haven't agreed on who will get me. That's the kind of problem I like to have. Hubby says, "Principals arm wrestling for you, now that's more like it!" The superintendent gets to make the final say now. He should use the wisdom of King Solomon and offer to cut me in half. Who ever spares my life gets to keep me.
So, I have a job in Hubby's district and 'they like me, they really like me.' Now to find out more about this cute butt guy who is crushing on me!

Cosmetics With a Twist

2008-06-16T18:38:00.000-07:00

So last night I had what I can only describe as a religious experience. I opened my e-mail and found that the heavens had smiled down on me and sent me a little internet blessing. My friend sent me an e-mail describing an amazing make-up deal. It was almost as though I could hear the angles bursting forth with song (Laaaaaaaaaaa Hallelujaaaaah) and my heavenly father looking down upon me saying, "Partake my child." Partake I did. In all my enthusiasm and the encouragement from my husband, I began shopping. Sheer joy. The next day I received a call from my husband. I guess seeing my happiness while clicking away on my laptop, inspired him to bring this joy to his mother and sister. This prompted his Google search. This search revealed that the deal I thought I was getting wasn't what I thought it was. Opening my e-mail revealed that my friend was recanting her former endorsement (bless her little heart). Clearly she wouldn't have let a cosmetic miracle come to her, without passing it along to her girlfriends. We have bonded over the joys of cosmetics and bargain hunting so I trust her. My purchasing blunder was easily remedied and I am no less a believer in the gracious generosity of God. With abandon I believe that my Father in heaven wants good things for me. I am also finding that the road to those good things is full of exciting, nerve racking plot twists. That idea is being played out in various scenarios for me right now. Just when I think opportunity is presenting itself to me, another glittery door is opening and the blessing I thought I was getting originally may not be what I end up with after all. Through all this I am also learning to be patient like a child waiting to open her gifts. Gifts that mean extremely stressful life changes that I wish I had more control over, nonetheless gifts....good things.

Chores and S'mores

2008-06-08T08:25:00.000-07:00

Hubby and I spent the day yesterday running errands and getting things done around the house. It was a pretty nice day. Ordinary life.
I didn't know that my evening would be nothing that I expected.
A little background: I had the unique and fortunate experience of teaching the children of a few people that I know as friends. This made for some interesting parent/teacher conferences, and a year of super supportive parents. My room mother is one of these friends.
Back to the story of last nights events:
Room mom and family decided to throw and end of the year party at her home for myself and the students. In their backyard they have a full brick fireplace. Beautiful. The theme of the party was s'mores. I love s'mores. They are fun to make and sooooo yummy. We ate our s'mores and laughed at the marshmallow goo stuck to our fingers and faces. The night was so nice. Everyone was wearing short sleeves and as the night wore on there was no need for sweaters. The children laughed and played and the adults chatted. I sat back and enjoyed not being in charge. Two of the moms sat by me and began asking me about somethings that are going on. They know that my family (parents and five brothers and sisters) are likely moving to Idaho. As it turns out they have both experienced a mass family exodus themselves. It was so great to hear their stories and know that they can empathize. I shared with them a few other changes that are going on in my life. I usually don't reveal a lot about my life in terms of pain or fear. I hate the idea that someone might perceive me as weak or whiny. I also worry that I will be misunderstood. My conversation with them was so rewarding. I could see that they genuinely cared and didn't think less of me for having some fears. I felt heard. They were so encouraging. I didn't feel that they were judging me or trying to give me advice. They were just being there. Suddenly I felt lighter and more hopeful. The things that were troubling my mind seemed smaller. This morning I heard this song (So Small) and it spoke volumes to what I am feeling now. I am so thankful for friends and family. It is good to be in a thankful place rather than a scared place.

Day 1 Summer 08

2008-06-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

Last night I attended the 8th grade graduation of my "baby" brother. It was a great way to say goodbye to another school year.
Farewell 07/08 school year.
So today is Day 1 of summer for me and so far.....
I woke up at 6:00 (old habits die hard)
Asked my husband to go out for donuts
He declined (God bless him for staying strong in my moment of weakness)
Lazed around watching morning news
Took Rio for a walk
Got a cup of coffee
Read blogs while simultaneously watching 20/20 from last night, and playing fetch with Rio (ah, the joys of Tivo and multitasking).
Now writing this blog
About to do a quick pick up of the house
Future possibilities...
Endless

Hello Summer!

Right Now, Thanks

2008-05-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

But I want to know now! So many things are changing in my life and it is hard not to know what their resolution will be. I feel excited but at the same time I feel afraid. This would explain my current state of irritability. I seem to be fine one minute but boiling just under the surface of "fine" is a an undercurrent of uncertainty. I am comfortable where I am but through no choice of mine, I am being forced out of my comfort zone into a world of scrutiny and possible rejection. I am excited about all the new possibilities and yet I am so afraid of failing. I want to be perceived well and excepted into my new endeavor but I know that the world can be harsh at times. I wait for "now" to be here but there is still more time to wait. Pray for my husband because he is the greatest recipient of my outbursts and impatience. I am so thankful for him. He is truly my biggest fan and when I walk out into this uncertain world it means everything that he is encouraging me and believing in me. I know that even if I "fail" he still thinks that I am great. When I have an impatient moment he doesn't return my bad attitude with stinkiness of his own. He gets me smiling and laughing at myself.

Irritated

2008-05-20T07:43:00.000-07:00

It feels like a million years since my last post, and yet here I sit with really nothing to write. Is that because nothing has happened? No! It is because I don't think I can write about anything without sounding bitter or overly sad. If I try to relate any of the events going through my mind, I will be forced to rant and attempt to verbally crush good people who have decided to tap dance happily on my last nerve. My sarcasm is really only funny to me; I am slowly realizing. To others it is cutting and so even with my blog I am attempting the advice of my mother, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." So for today and likely tomorrow I will try to turn down my internal burner so as not to continue to stew. I will try to focus on my blessings and not the truly minor things that are getting under my skin.

Tear Time

2008-05-07T09:50:00.000-07:00

This week is National Teacher Appreciation Week, a good week to be a teacher. Each day this week so far I have come to work to find that some parent has sent with their child some delicious token of their appreciation. It feels so good to be thanked. It feels so good to know that they have considered me and wanted to show me that they care. I don't know why but when I think about it I get all teary.

I can't help but cry at movies, books, some songs, and sometimes TV shows. My husband is often surprised by my sudden burst of emotion sitting on the couch or riding in the car.
Three years ago we bought a home in the Central Valley. We bought it with the intention of living in it. We picked out all the details and watched it being built. It wasn't long after living there, that we knew we couldn't really live there. We wanted to live closer to our family and friends. We wanted to be back in the area we had come to call home. After a couple of years of commuting from it and one of those years trying to sell it, we decided to rent the house out. This worked great at first, and then the lady couldn't pay and didn't pay for two months. After she finally left, last week, Hun and I took a day off work to go and prepare the house for new renters. It was the first time we had been back to the house since we moved back to the Bay Area. We walked in and it didn't smell the same. We began cleaning and noticed decorative Christmas snow still left on the front windows (I would never use fake, spray on snow, never ever). I saw nail holes in my cherished French door (Who would put holes in a beautiful door? Who?).

Our home was left in great condition. We have no real complaints but we were both a little emotional. We didn't buy that home as a rental. It was our hand picked home. As I walked through the house, I saw evidence that I had lived there. I saw the little nail down by the back door that used to hold the bell that Rio would ring to be let outside. I wondered what they thought of that nail. What theories did the renters come up with to explain why there would be a nail in that odd place? Did they even notice? I began to cry. I ran to find my Babe. He didn't have to ask. He was feeling it to. This was no longer our home. It was just a house, and it was the end of owning our own home, for now we just own a house. We had planned to work on separate projects as we cleaned to help the work go faster, but we ended up working side by side, Rio under foot, talking, remembering, and sometimes saying nothing.

I say all this because I realize that I feel so silly when I cry about real stuff. When I am touched with emotion about events in my own life I feel embarrassed, but when I cry over a movie I think, "oh, that's just me." I cry enough about fake stuff (movies...ect), it is ok to cry for something real. This doesn't mean I intend to run around like a sobbing basket case (it is good to know how to turn it off!). Shedding a tear because the parents of my school show me appreciation and another for letting go of my old home, is 'just me' too.

So Cute!

2008-05-06T07:44:00.000-07:00

The One Where My Husband Makes a Funny

2008-05-02T12:28:00.000-07:00

I awoke one morning to find that God was dealing with my vanity. I was sitting at my vanity (yes, a place in my home is titled: "my vanity"), when I discovered that my face was swollen in various places. Mostly it was my lips, eye lids and ears. Not only were they swollen, but somewhat itchy and red. I was having an allergic reaction, apparently. To what? I have no idea. Think about the scene in the movie Hitch where Will Smith has a reaction to foof. It wasn't quite that bad, Hun kept telling me, but I felt it was that bad. I had to be to work soon and my face had betrayed me. I did my best to get ready but I didn't want to leave the house. I took some Benadryl. Hun was dropping me off at work and I was dreading getting out of the car. As I was getting out, Hun yells, "Oh No!" I quickly sit back down thinking that I had forgotten something. "What?" I ask through my bubble lips.
"It is happening to your butt too!" he says.
Under normal circumstances, Hun never has a negative thing to say about my appearance. He makes me feel like the most beautiful girl, but this was good. I couldn't help but smile. He is always making me laugh.
At work, my co-workers were giving me hugs and asking me what was wrong. When I told them the story, including what my Babe said, they were cracking up saying they couldn't see that sweet man saying something like that. Fortunately, the Benadryl kicked in, and laughing at my own face does keep the vanity in check. I am not sure how I have an ounce of vanity left with all the unfortunate afflictions to my face lately.

Cornish Game Hen Masacar

2008-04-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it is time to rethink Monday sharing time in my classroom. Every Monday I allow my students to share one thing about their weekend (this often turns into one long run on sentence listing every detail from the weekend, or a commentary on the latest video game). I do this to show the students that I am interested in them beyond the classroom and to break the ice after being gone for a couple of days. I usually share something with them as well. Today I really didn't have anything in mind that I wanted to say. My weekend was nice but Sunday I went to a memorial service for a dear friend of the family and I went to see a controversial movie later that night (I might post about later), so I thought I would just skip sharing this week myself. My students wouldn't have that. They asked me about my weekend. I said that the best part was having friends over for dinner on Saturday night. And it was then that it occurred to me that we ate something the students might find interesting, Cornish Game Hens. You know the little chickens. Each person gets their own. The moment this came out of my mouth a look of horror came over one of my student's face. As understanding settled other students started looking confused and disgusted. The room mom that was at the back table sensed the tension and piped up, "tell them they aren't babies." I did. I explained. I described. I tried to change the subject. The questions kept coming. Did I shoot the chickens? Why would I eat a cute little chicken? Who killed the chicken? Are you sure it wasn't a baby chicken? Did it look like a baby chicken? Did you eat the guts? Do they have guts? City kids, I swear. I realized that my students might not have ever really seen a whole chicken. They are used to seeing their food in impersonal little parts that in no way resemble their original form. So today I may have disillusioned several impressionable little minds with the knowledge that yes I eat chicken, real, actual, used to be alive chicken, not just nuggets called chicken. Oops!

Yeah for Rio!

2008-04-16T10:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my puppy turned 1. Happy birthday little guy. Having a dog is truly a dream come true for me. I love my pup. Some of the couples that my husband and I hang out with have suggested that getting a dog is a sign of kids being on the way. Hun and I have been married for 5 years and we haven't decided to have kids yet. Getting Rio has been great for us. We love him. We are getting to see a side of one another and ourselves that we haven't seen before. The way we care for Rio causes conversations to come up that we might not have had otherwise. Rio needs boundaries, routines, correction, love, play time, medical attention....and we are responsible for all of it. We approach him differently. Sometimes I catch my Babe snuggling Rio or being cute with him and I smile because I get to see this whole other side of him. Sometimes he is correcting Rio and I have to stop myself from getting in his way or telling him how I would do it (an omen of things to come). Having Rio has been a great dry run for us as "parents." I don't know if we are ready to be parents, but hey, Rio has been alive for one whole year. Who would have thunk it? This is a great start.

Life Insurance?

2008-04-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

Hubby and I decided recently to consider a little life insurance. I guess the invincibility of our 20's may be starting to wain slightly as we head toward the ripe old age of thirty. We have seen a little more unexpected tragedy by now and just want to be a little more prepared, responsible I guess. We seem to have more to lose. Well, for this policy someone had to come out to our house for a urine sample and a blood sample. I was told it would be a pin prick. Pin prick it was not. I went first. She took two tubes of blood. I was looking up at hubby with a worried look. I am not too good with unexpecteds. When it was his turn she asked if he was nervous. "Nah," he said. He used to get his blood drawn once a month. I guess that wasn't the answer she was looking for because it was then she went from slightly queer to psyco stranger with a needle. I stayed with him for moral support and then something went wrong. She poked him straight in his very visible vein, but no blood came. She thought that it was probably a defective needle but instead of taking it out and trying a new one (psyco part), she twisted, turned, pushed, and prodded side to side with the "probably defective" needle. I could watch no more. She finally removed the needle and exchanged it for a new one. I patted my brave but in pain Hubby on the shoulder and left. It was at this moment Hun decided to opt out too. I heard a loud crash and the woman yelled for help. I ran back into the kitchen to see my husband hunched over and non-responsive. I grabbed his shoulders and he flopped to the side, his face on the kitchen table. He began shaking and making a weird gurgling noise. I began crying and calling 911. I don't mean on the phone, I mean I was actually calling out, "911." Panic does weird things to you. Fortunately, my mother was there and she lifted him up and got him to snap out of it. He had apparently fainted. When he came to he was a strange shade of pale green. The woman, who was no help at all during this whole ordeal, then decided to mention that she has some sort of smelling salts to wake him up. A little late now lady!
I was so scared! What's the use in getting life insurance, if the actual purchasing of it cause you to nearly need it. Thank God my Babe is ok. I was so worried. By the way he did end up giving blood from the other arm and with a new needle, but we are so glad that is over.

When Garden Hoses Attack......Whine

2008-04-08T10:14:00.000-07:00

So uncalled for. Yesterday (Monday, key detail), I got myself ready for work early enough to give my brand new garden a little TLC. That's right, I planned to do some watering. Keeping plants alive is nothing short of a miracle for me. I didn't realize that my mother was so keenly aware of my ability to cause the certain and untimely demise of plants until she came to visit me recently. She saw me water the orchid that my sweetie gave me for Valentine's Day and checked to see if it was actually real (unbelievable). After she checked, I checked also. Could it be Hubby gave me a fake one letting me happily water it and think it is real to boost my ego? It is living breathing plant by the way, and still blossoming (yeah for me!). My mom goes to the store and purposefully chooses the most pitiful of all plants, buys it at a discount, takes it home and restores it to perfect health. The gene didn't pass.
So, I got the hose out yesterday and turned it on. No water. I have seen enough slapstick comedy to know better than to put the nozzle up to my face for a closer look, so I looked for a kink somewhere in the hose but didn't really see one. I saw a spot where the hose was sort of twisted. Bingo. I could hear the water flowing a feel the pressure building. I went to untwist it and that is when the release of pressure caused the evil hose to fling out of my hand and pop me straight in the nose. It hurt enough to cause my eyes to water and have to choke back a few choice words. I was grateful that the water didn't spray all over me. I finished my watering and went inside. That's when a glance in the mirror revealed a quarter sized bump growing on my nose and I realized that it was throbbing. Only Monday right? The first thing I went for was not the ice, it was my cell phone. That's right, I wanted some pity. I called my husband and told him what happened to me. He was appropriately shocked and appalled by the unwarranted attack on my face and knowing that, made me feel better.
Fortunately, the bump went down before I had to pick up my students. I ask my students each Monday to tell me one thing about their weekend and I usually share one thing about mine. I decided to tell them my adventure with the garden hose. Why? Because some how sharing your pain seems to help it go away. This doesn't me I advocate whining just for whining's sake. My attitude changes when I can see a frustrating moment as a funny story. This maybe why I am enjoying blogging. I am beginning to see my life in potential posts rather than just getting frustrated. Thanks for all the writing material God.

Sides of Shame

2008-04-07T10:24:00.001-07:00

Last night it happened. My husband had warned me of this possibility numerous times. We were invited to have dinner with another couple in their home. We offered to bring a side. That is when I had my brilliant idea, I would bring sweet potato fries! I have had this recipe for a couple of years and never gotten around to trying it. When I shared this idea with hubby he got "the look" on his face. The look that says, "your going to do what you are going to do, but I warned you." It isn't that he is against sweet potato fries, he just doesn't believe in experimenting on friends. I was not discouraged. I began making my new recipe and our home filled with a wonderful smell. Hun was happy, I was happy. Then another smell came. A burning smell. A smell that says we have to be somewhere, with something in 15mins. Some were burned beyond salvaging others were only moderately scorched. Hun kept on picking through for the good ones and asking what will we do now. I packed up what I could and said, "this is my contribution." With a mouth full of sweet potato fries, he said they were too burnt to bring. His contribution was a stop a KFC to pick up mashed potatoes.
Our friends were gracious, until they found out we didn't get biscuits at KFC and we forgot the blue cheese. I take that back, even then they were gracious, especially since their awesome steaks were coupled with fake mashed potatoes. Maybe my husband is right, and we shouldn't experiment on friends. But then again, if a friend can't look past your moment of shame then maybe they aren't as good of friends as you thought.

Sis

2008-04-01T21:08:00.000-07:00

My baby sister (no where near infancy) called last night to share a milestone in her life with me. She actually said that she wanted to tell her big sis. Sniffle. When she was little she would come running to me, bouncy blonde curls, arms outstretched, screaming with abandon, "Sissy!" That was me, her sissy. I look at her now, so grown up, so beautiful and accomplished, so not in need of a "big sissy." This is what I thought until last night. In her new mature way she came to me. She still wanted a big sis. I must say I was taken aback. I really didn't know what to say. Here was this precious little girl (woman really) wanting to share this part of her life with me, and it occurred to me how much I needed her. How much I love to be her big sis. Tears. I told her every encouraging word I could think of and then I hung up and cried. I miss my little sissy. I wish she was still that tiny little one who followed me everywhere and broke into my room to try on or eat my makeup but since I don't think she would appreciate being force fed lip gloss for nostalgia's sake; I think I'll just have to get used to the idea. There is no going back. She is growing up before my eyes and excited about it. There is no slowing her down. And somehow I must figure out how to be her big sis, not just because she might need me, but because I desperately need her. Excuse me now while I go and cry ugly.

Only Today

2008-03-28T06:39:00.000-07:00

Last night my husband and I attended a memorial service. At a service like that you come face to face with mortality (a subject I push from my mind). We saw a family who was graciously dealing with their tragic loss. Walking to our car, Hun said to me, "I hope so many people don't come to my memorial service." Why not (I ask this trembling at the thought that he will ever have a memorial service)? "It would mean I died too young." Well I could disagree with that. Whenever that day comes it will be too soon. But I get what he is saying. Some day he hopes to be a great-grandpa who accomplished all his dreams and lived a full life. We all wish for something like that but it is not promised to us. Every time we are made aware of death we are then also made aware of life. It is such a precious gift. I am reminded to hold my loved ones a little tighter and not put off telling them what I need to say. As Hun was going off to work today, I made sure to kiss him and tell him I love him. I held his hand just a little longer realizing I can't guarantee how many mornings we will have. I believe that we will have a lifetime but I will act like we have today.

The Dilemma of Alone Time

2008-03-27T10:06:00.000-07:00

Here's the dilemma: I am on Easter Break (I can still call it that) and my husband isn't (he has a spring break). My mom flew into town to help me plant the large flower beds in my front yard. I have never planted a thing in the ground, ever. It turns out that although I am not much for getting dirty, I love planting. Still haven't gotten to the dilemma. So here I am hanging out with mom and planting away. The creative side of me getting some much needed expression and getting to learn something new. This is shaping up to be a great break. My mom is going for a couple of days to visit with a friend and the garden is done so that leaves me, alone (except for my constant shadow, Rio). Dilemma time: I don't mind being alone sometimes. In fact I like it. I feel pressure to get together with someone. I should call someone and go out. I don't know where this pressure comes from. I think it is from myself. Growing, for me, would mean picking up the phone and initiating doing something with a friend. Growing, for me, would be being "rejected," (yes, someone turning me down because they have other plans feels like rejection, even though I know it isn't) and feeling the fear but still picking up the phone to call someone else. I also think that I should give myself a break and if I want to spend the whole day nose buried in a book, not reject myself for it. So writing this post is my way of avoiding making a decision about what I will do with my day. Really. Is this a dilemma? I guess. Anyway....time to face today.

The Trumpeter

2008-03-18T07:26:00.000-07:00

I thought of the how much was left undone, how much I had to do. I thought of what I would do if I could be free of this car, if I weren’t so often in transitions of one kind or another. Commuting was to become a routine and it is often in the routines that life is lost. Was it Aristotle that said that, “the unexamined life is not worth living?” Who examines the routines of life, the mundane? Who can cause a car ride to have any meaning or purpose beyond transport? I wish I could say I pondered these deep thoughts on this particular ride, but truly my mind was quickly skipping from one task that needed completion to the next at the same rhythm we were switching lanes. It was then that the trumpeter played.
The sound was strange. It was not one of your usual freeway sounds: the rush of cars, the honking of horns, the bellowing of rigs, the screeching of tires, and the grinding of metal. No, this sound was unique. I couldn’t put a name to it but my eyes began to hunt for the cause of it, desperate for some interruption. It was then that I saw a man in the car beside us playing a trumpet.
He played with one hand, his coco cheeks stretching to white balloons on either side of his pursed mouth while his fingers tapped out the supposed tune. His dark brown eyes crinkled on the edges showing his delight. He sounded like a sick and desperate elephant on the edge of life. It was quite a shocking spectacle. My manners required that I not stare but this was beyond what I could demand of etiquette and I stared, gawked actually. After the initial shock wore off I began to laugh. I laughed deeply till tears caused my nose to drip.
That’s when Hun looked at me in much the same way I looked at the man. There is a trumpeter I blurted out over giggles, pointing indiscriminately. The man was still beside us trumpeting away happily oblivious to the fact that he was on a freeway, oblivious to the fact that he should be bitterly fighting his way home. He was free. Perhaps he is a little scary to share a road with, maybe he should focus less on music practice and a little more on driving technique, but there he was not letting a moment be wasted. He was not allowing his life to be overrun by mundane activity. He engaged in creative endeavors while managing to get home. I was jealous of him. He escaped commuting while remaining in the car. He examined the activity and found meaning and purpose.
He may have lost his mind. Sure it will be a traffic law someday: Right next to ‘no cell phones.’ No music practice. He fully lives. He is free. He is brilliant, maybe.

Another true adventure in commuting. Written November 8, 2005

Faux Leopard Slippers

2008-03-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

He is frantic at the knowledge that it is now 4:16am; we have woken up late. Yes I know that the thought of running late at so early an hour is hard to grasp, but we try to be out the door by 4:30am, at the latest. My body protests the thought of moving quickly and all my mind can think of is that it needs to think, not a helpful thought when I need to get out the door.

Getting dressed after being so cozy in my bed is painful. The clothes are cold and not nearly as comfortable as my pjs. He rushes me. I am trying to hurry but I am so tired. Finally I step out of my slippers, put one leg through my skirt sticking my foot back into my slipper, and then do the same with the other leg. I look down at my leopard print slippers and scrunch up my toes a little, so comfy. “Let’s go!” Yes I have to go. He isn’t mean he is just much quicker. I doubt if he takes a moment to admire his slippers, especially when getting out the door is crucial.

You may wonder why getting out the door quickly is so important. Clearly we won’t be late for work if we take our time this morning, work starts at 8:00. So, why the frantic need to get out of the house? War. In other homes across the Valley there are people waking up and with manic speed getting out on the road all with the same goal: the Bay Area. They are the enemy. Time is our only weapon against them and we must strike hard. The penance for loosing this race with them is stop and go traffic. For my husband the knowledge that his car is meant to go faster and that he has made the trip in an hour and thirty three minutes has made our car into his torture chamber if we do not make it onto the road before the majority. For me stop and go traffic only means a longer nap but I am sympathetic to his plight and thankful that he doesn’t ask me to drive, so I rush.

I have finally made it to the car when I realize I have forgotten my shoes and coat. I rush back in to grab them. I go for the coat first since it is further off in the closet and my shoes are right by the door to the garage. I grab the coat and am coming down the hall toward the garage. I can see that I left my purse outside of the car. My heart jolts a little at the thought of forgetting my purse and I rush to grab it and hop into the car.

We’re off! He prepares to wage his battle with the road and I prepare to go back to my dreams that I was forced to pause. Pillow behind me and 49er blanket over me I put my chair back and settle in. Warm, cozy, and toes covered in faux leopard fur, I drift back to sleep.

We arrive at work far too quickly for my taste and “late” according to Hun. We start the “arrive at work routine.” Hun gets out to unlock the gates and I reach behind my chair to get my shoes. That is when I made a discovery. I twist around to reach further, double checking my hypothesis. My original discovery is correct, no shoes. When Hun reenters the seen he is surprised by a crying wife. He looks like a deer in the headlights, don’t make any sudden movements and maybe I will be okay. Soon he asks what is wrong. I reveal my blunder, no shoes. After tearing apart the back seat in his own hunt, he breaks into a smile. My missing shoes are now magnified by the fact that he had already forgotten his shoes months earlier. In his smug and twisted estimation this makes my missing shoes all the more comical. I should have known better.

Wearing slippers while teaching sounds comfy but ineffective. Not to mention the fact that I am blessed with yard duty. Clearly we must find some shoes. We try Longs, Wallgreens, Rite Aide, Target and many other stops. They are either not open or quite without a shoe section. I am doomed. My last resort is to reveal myself and ask my family if they have any shoes for me to borrow. The humor of the situation is not lost on them. “Glad I could add a little life to your morning,” I think. I spend the rest of the day in borrowed shoes, an ever present reminder that I am a commuter.

I can’t just run home and grab a forgotten item. When I leave my house in the morning, it is for another life. I head into that world with what ever I put into my car and nothing more. My car is my harbor and if it is not adequately stocked that will be my plight for the day. It is no matter of life and death only a matter of quality of life. Sure I chose this life but how could I have known what it all would mean? How could I have known that I would be standing in the shoes of another and always evaluating my day in increments of time?

This is a true account of one of my adventures in commuting written in February 2006

False Spring

2008-03-12T08:27:00.000-07:00

It was warm. Day after day, it was warm. It felt right. It was time. The sun poured over the valley calling to life the death of winter. Like a mother carefully rousing a child from slumber, the rays spoke of a new day and the foliage heard the call. There was comfort in this familiar feeling, a feeling of home and newness. As though over night, the orchards were alive with blossoms. What had once appeared to be barren and dry was bursting with life and hope. No longer dormant, beauty spread quickly. The whisper of spring was a fragrance mingling with the feeling of sun, pleading for change.

The wise farmers understand that this sudden burst of life so soon is only the precursor to a pending tragedy. Would those young blossoms know the joy of baring fruit? Would they do more in their young lives than only remind their on lookers of potential or would they preserver and realize their destiny? They are not wise farmers. They don’t know the patterns of year after year. They only know the feelings of now. It was warm. Day after day it was warm. It was time. They danced and swayed. They smiled. They hoped. They breathed. They dreamed. Everything in them told them to bloom and they did. They waited all winter for this moment. They readied themselves and watched and felt. Day after day, it was warm.

It was only early February. Winters fury had only paused a moment and in gaining momentum struck hard with a season unmatched in over a hundred years if ever in some places. The fledgling blossoms were torn and heavy under the weight of saturation. They wanted to go home. They wanted to go back. They were confused and startled by this sudden change. Unprotected they face down pour after down pour. Frost and wind pierce them, shatter them. Their smiles are gone. The dancing stopped for the music changed. No longer were they the signs of life, rather premature death. Some blossoms will see this through while others wither under the strain. The wise farmer knows he won’t, can’t intervene. The wise farmer knows it will be hard, but some sweet fruit will still come.

To be a blossom that will see the fruition of winter is my prayer. I tell you; day after day it was warm. It was time. The winter we would face was so unexpected. Hope and faith would not fail us.

I wrote this exactly two years ago (March 2006) while commuting from the rich fertile San Joaquin valley to the Silicon valley.

Three years earlier my husband and I purchased a home in Modesto. Rather we purchased plot of dirt that would soon grow into a house. We stood in line for hours to see if our number would be pulled out of a hat (literally), securing us the opportunity to buy a house. Our number was pulled and our dreams were coming true.
In March 2006 there were whispers of a housing bubble bursting. Houses in developments right in our neighborhood stood empty. No more long lines and lotteries. That winter the valley experienced a false spring followed by an intense and catastrophic reappearance of winter that devastated the crops.
Today my husband and I are fortunate to still own our home (now rented out). When we drive through our neighborhood we see dead and dying lawns, the tale tell sign of the "F" word, foreclosure. False spring, deadly winter.

Brain Extension

2008-03-11T12:22:00.000-07:00

If you are reading this blog (or any blog), then you, like me, have probably succumbed to a brain extension. It started innocently enough. First, writing word documents for school, getting a seemingly innocuous e-mail address, and occasionally browsing (still won't say perusing!) the web for needed information. Take a look back people. That was then. Who are you now?
The thought of not having my laptop for a day is what I would imagine being catatonic might feel like. Suddenly I am unable to answer simple questions like, "what are you doing this afternoon?," because I can't consult "the calendar." A street map looks like an artifact belonging in a museum and venturing anywhere new is not going to happen unless I can confer with Map Quest or Google maps. For all I know, driving into the unknown without my printout could mean driving straight off a cliff or worse yet, toward any downtown area with only one way streets.
I start to feel a little under the weather and type any and all symptoms into Google to find I have just diagnosed myself with some rare infectious disease. I quickly race to the doctor, Map Quest in hand (no joke), and relate all my symptoms to him. Then and there he begins Googling also. His diagnosis is less dire but his process was the same (a little scary, but an absolutely true story).
It is not that I mind the fact that part of my thinking, reasoning, remembering has been outsourced to a machine. It is supposed to help me organize all the things I have going on and keep me connected to the people I love (or would rather connect with via e-mail).
Good things, right?
No it is the effect that I have had on the computer that bothers me. I used to be able to just go to a file and find the document that I was looking for. Now I rarely find a thing without conducting a search of the entire database.
My e-mail is backed up to at least 8 pages with little to no filing done. When I want to find something there I just conduct another search.
My computer, once shiny and unscathed, is now dingy,scratched and cluttered. I need to take time to clean it up and get rid of the junk (hitting the save button is sometimes too easy). Come to think of it, my laptop is starting to resemble the state of my mind more than I would like, information overload without any place to rest.
Sometimes I think I will just replace my brain extension machine with a new one. But I know all I really need to do is sit down and give it a little loving attention. Give myself a chance to get it back in order and then just give it a rest.
As for the state of my gooey gray matter.....A day at the beach with my husband, dog, and a good book will likely take care of the overgrown, dusty spots in there as well.